How to Deal with Difficulties and Adversities

Difficulties, failures and tragedies affect all of us. It is impossible to avoid them completely. A modern interpretation of ancient Stoic philosophy offers a way to cope when they inevitably fall upon us. Driven by necessity of a life situation, the author tested it on himself and shares his reflections of its application.

Marek Kowalczyk

Published in

Learning by Dying

10 min readMar 17, 2014

We All Experience Difficulties

Everybody experiences difficulties, adversity, and — sometimes — tragedies. Not everything is always as we would like it to be. Important projects fail. We make mistakes. We lose that which is most precious to us… It’s an integral part of our lives — no matter how much colorful ads would like to convince us otherwise. Even if you strongly believe in positive thinking and in the “failure is not an option” approach, the times of global market turmoil have in store for us many unpleasant surprises; not to mention personal issues. As “children of luck”, raised on corporate communications, are we ready for inevitable failures?

I know such difficult experiences first-hand. Many years ago I founded two businesses; then I got married and lived to see my son born. Things were going sometimes better, sometimes worse but, overall, life was pretty good. However, the year 2012 was for me the beginning of a streak of failures. It all peaked on January 1, 2013, when I experienced acute exacerbation of heart failure. I almost died. A few weeks later I was listed for heart transplantation. In 2013, all my plans, ideas about myself and ambitions had crumbled to dust. I spent many months in hospital and after being discharged, I faced the biggest problems in my life so far. I haven’t been able to resolve them yet. I haven’t fully recovered, and I will never be healthy again — but even so, my life is subjectively much better than it was when things were objectively a lot better. How is this possible?

Not Events But Our Views of Them

I want to introduce you to some techniques, inspirations and thoughts that have helped me cope in those difficult times. In the beginning, however, I hasten to explain that “to cope” does not mean “to avoid”, “remove” or “change” external circumstances. There is no reliable method to modify reality so that it corresponds to our expectations. As I use the word, “to cope” means to create a mindset in which, even in very difficult circumstances, you do not enter extremely painful and unproductive mental states. So (almost) always we can cope “internally”, even though we cannot cope “externally” — and I’m not talking at all about “positive thinking”.

Being trained as a philosopher, I was inspired by ancient Stoics — especially Epictetus—whose book I had with me in the hospital. The modern interpretation of Stoicism is Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), developed by a leading American psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, and inspired by Alfred Korzybski’s general semantics.

“People are not troubled by events, but by their views of them” — a sentence uttered two thousand years ago by Epictetus is the foundation of wisdom that allows one to cope with almost any adversity that can confront us. Many people are, to their misfortune, convinced that it is external events that directly cause their emotional states: “Being listed for a transplant makes me sad”. What could be truer? I do see my miserable situation and immediately feel the sadness; it’s obvious that the immediate source of my sadness is being listed — what else could it be? In other words, the everyday (‘folk’) model of the mind process is as follows: event → emotion. But if the ancient sage is right, then that model is wrong, while in line with reality is the following model: event → my view of the event → emotion. The difference is seemingly small but crucial, since Epictetus notes that: “Over that which is external (wealth, honors, health) we have no control, but that which is internal totally depends on us — our thoughts, feelings, our actions”. If indeed it is so — if we do have the ability to influence our views of (adverse) events— then it is in our power to change our attitudes toward the events and thereby change the resulting emotions.

Shall I Be a Smiling Idiot?

To say that we can influence our views of (unfavorable) situations does not automatically imply that he must mindlessly enjoy the difficulties we face. On the contrary, it is only human and adequate to be sad, down and upset. Finding myself listed for a transplant at the age of 42 was objectively unfavorable. The median lifespan after such treatment is 5 years. Of course, relative to being disqualified in spite of the need, it is better to be on the list — but then it would be best not to have even to contemplate such an eventuality!

Instead of becoming completely numb or rejoicing with problems (although the latter is sometimes both possible and reasonable), it is worth setting for yourself a much more modest goal for the application of your power over your views of difficult situations. That is; you can almost always dispense with unhealthy emotions (anger, despair, desperation…) and adopt their healthy counterparts (displeasure, sadness, frustration…). Those healthy unpleasant feelings are not only adequate in difficult situations; they are quite adaptive. Like a severe toothache, they motivate us to seek a way out of our predicaments. The problem arises, however, when the pain is pathological, when it paralyzes instead of directing us to seek the dentist. Similarly, unhealthy emotions, through their extreme and destructive nature, not only paralyze us and, therefore, don’t help us change the unfavorable external circumstances, but at the same time they seriously disrupt our mental state, causing only unnecessary suffering.

The ABC of Giving Up Unhealthy Emotions

The first condition for eschewing unhealthy emotions is to recognize that they are a product of our views of adverse events, rather than their immediate effect. That was for me as a trained philosopher very natural to adopt. However, for many people who haven’t had such exposure, the recognition of this fact may not be so obvious. Just knowing the source of emotions is not enough, however. Therefore, it is necessary systematically to explore the beliefs that cause unhealthy emotions and work hard at actively changing them. Dr. Ellis’ ABC technique has really been helpful to me. It allowed me to do away with some long-standing problems I’d been creating for myself. Its name comes from:

Adversity — an external obstacle in the achievement of an important Goal (G).
Beliefs — what we say to ourselves, most frequently unconsciously, when we experience A.
Consequences — emotions and behaviors that are our responses to A, as seen through the lens of Bs.

Epictetus’ fundamental statement can, therefore, be expressed as: C = A x B. That’s the theory. Below you can find my own example of using the ABC technique.

I want to live a long and healthy (G), but I am qualified for an urgent heart transplant (A). I feel depressed, distraught, and I want to opt out of further treatment (C). Now I have a choice:

I can stay in the state of depression and apathy “caused” by A.
Or I can recognize that depression is an activity that I am myself performing (“I’m depressing myself”), and it is not a thing that descends upon me, like a flowerpot dropping on my head.

And if “depression” is in reality “depressing myself”, then I can stop doing it to myself because I have full command of that which is internal — even if sometimes its execution comes with great difficulty. To exercise this command, I ask myself: “What do I say to myself, half-consciously, what causes these unhealthy feelings?” An answer (B) comes after a moment: “I must be healthy! Everything must follow my plan! Everything must play out as I want it! Otherwise, I am worthless.” (Notice the musturbatory nature of those irrational beliefs.)

In the light of those impossible to meet, absolutist demands, it is not surprising that I’m depressing myself — everyone would. This is the key observation of Epictetus, Korzybski and Ellis: because our mental processes are the unity of thought, emotion and action, so disruption of one element (e.g., thoughts — by irrational beliefs) is immediately reflected as a disorder in other aspects (emotions, action). Beliefs of such a kind are irrational because they are logically wrong, empirically false and prevent me from achieving my important goals (G).

So I have identified irrational beliefs (B) about the event (A) standing in the way of my goal (G), by means of which I’m depressing myself, creating unhealthy emotions and unproductive actions (C). So I go ahead to change my irrational beliefs. If Epictetus, Korzybski and Ellis are right, then I should notice the waning of unhealthy emotions of depression, etc. and their replacement with their healthy counterparts (e.g., sadness), which, though unpleasant, are most appropriate in this situation. This would mean that I have coped with the situation (internally), even though I cannot do anything to change my external circumstances (A).

New Effective Philosophy

The way to effect this change is by challenging (Disputing, D) irrational beliefs (B) on logical, empirical and pragmatic basis. I do this this by asking the following questions:

“How does my wanting to be healthy, successful and so on, logically imply that it must be so?”
“If I’m not healthy and I am not successful, do I have empirical grounds to maintain that it must be so?”
“Does strict adherence to the view that this situation cannot exist — despite the fact that it does — help me cope with this adversity?”

After a moment of reflection, rational answers follow:

“The fact that I do not want something does not imply that this situation cannot exist; I don’t have divine power over the world.”
“If this situation exists, it obviously means that it can exist.”
“Sticking to the irrational beliefs only hinders my functioning: I become depressed, and I tend to choose the option that guarantees me a shorter life, which is not what I want.”

Disputing (D) by asking questions leads me to a new, effective philosophy of looking at my objectively difficult situation (Effective New Philosophy, E)— to a set of rational (logical, evidence-based and helpful) beliefs. They will help me in the situation A achieve healthy emotions and productive actions at point C. Here’s my new philosophy of effectively coping with being qualified for a heart transplant:

“This situation is very inconvenient for me, but it is not horrible or unbearable. Of course that I can take it; after all, I won’t fall apart from it!”
“I would prefer not to have to consider a heart transplant, but now that it happened, so be it. Bad luck! In the worst case, I will live shorter than I had thought. I’m neither the first, nor the last one. Everyone has to die sometime, and so it’s only a matter of time, anyway.”
“Even experiencing major inconveniences associated with transplantation, I can live happily and experience a lot of joy. I’ll still be alive!”
“The awareness of my imminent death may even help me make better use of my remaining time; it can be a great opportunity for me to stop caring about little things and start to seize every day! All in all, it may turn out that this event is the best thing that could happen to me — because maybe I will live shorter, but a lot better!”

A well-developed effective new philosophy (E) helps one experience healthy negative feelings, and even get some positive elements out of adversity (A). However, it is not enough to know E intellectually; it does not help. It is necessary to “install” it deep in your mind — so as to permanently replace the irrational Bs. To do this, actively and with full conviction and emotional commitment, say E to yourself (what helped me a lot was writing notes on my smartphone) or even record these sentences and frequently listen to them — until E replaces the irrational Bs in your automatic internal dialogue and is fully accepted at the subconscious level. Of course, it has nothing to do with repeating positive — but wishful and false — affirmations, because — in the long run — they just don’t work. E is not some form of enchanting reality (“All will be well”), but a fundamental reconstruction of your relationship to it (“I feel pretty good, even if things turn out negative for me; there is nothing terrible nor is it impossible to bear — it is simply very uncomfortable, that’s it”).

Three Principles

According to REBT, irrational beliefs by which people disturb themselves, can be arranged into three groups:

Depression-causing conditional self-acceptance, “I deserve to exist only so long as I am successful — otherwise I’m worthless and I have no right to live”.
Anger-causing conditional acceptance of others: “Others are worthy of acceptance as people only if they treat me well and fairly — otherwise the deserve the highest condemnation”.
Conducive to avoiding behaviors low frustration tolerance (conditional acceptance of circumstances): “The circumstances of life must always be highly favorable to me, because otherwise life is terrible and unbearable”.

Maintaining those types of irrational beliefs is a major source of psychological distress. Therefore, rational beliefs forming any effective new philosophy (E) stand in direct contradiction to those disorders and are arranged in three main principles of life:

Unconditional self-acceptance: “None of my mistakes or failures affects my value as a human being”.
Unconditional acceptance of others: “Other people have a right to be wrong and even hurt me”.
High frustration tolerance (unconditional acceptance of circumstances): “I can endure even the most adverse of circumstances — they are not terrible, but at most very unpleasant”.

Of course, unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional acceptance of others as people do not necessarily entail the acceptance of all their actions. It is rather close to the Christian concept of the condemnation of the sin, but love of the sinner. What’s more, you can still fully accept someone, but not like them; the former does not have anything to do with the latter!

As more than two thousand years of history illustrate, these principles are extremely effective. This does not mean, however, that they are easy to implement. However, it is an effort that is worth it because it leads to eschewing a lot of suffering and becoming a true sage.

About the Author

Marek Kowalczyk is Managing Partner at MANDARINE Project Partners, partner at MINT Books and a graduate of the Faculty of Philosophy at the Catholic Universit of Lublin, Poland. As a member of the Polish Association of Professional Speakers he shares his experiences and thoughts at meetings, conferences and workshops. His website is http://marekkowalczyk.pl