Hugging past you
An exercise in self-love
I want to share with you an exercise that has changed my life. It helped me develop unconditional self-love, and we could all use more of that.
(I learned this a few years ago from Tim Ferris, who was giving a talk on his upcoming book, Tribe of Mentors. Thanks Tim!)
tl:dr; list version:
- Imagine a past version of yourself that you dislike.
- Think of why you dislike that past version of yourself.
- Think of how being that past version led you to who you are now.
- Hug your past version of yourself. Tell them, “Thank you for being you. Without you, I could not be me.” Send them love.
- Find another past version of yourself that you find hard to love. Repeat until you love all past versions of yourself.
The Long Version
There’s a fine line between holding yourself accountable and being too hard on yourself. I hope this read helps you stop being so hard on yourself.
It’s so easy to incriminate past versions of yourself for letting you get to your current situation. Are any of these thoughts familiar?
“God damn it, you shouldn’t have eaten that muffin. Look at those love handles!”
“I made them so mad. Why can’t I be a better friend?”
“What is wrong with you? Why did you buy that? Such a waste of money!”
“I should have studied harder. I’m never going to [medical school | get that job | stop hearing my mom’s yelling about grades | etc. ].”
“… How did I let myself get here?”
That’s you looking at another you, from the past, and saying, “You fucked up.”
This article is about how to go from “You fucked up” to “I’m so glad you were that way.” I’ll go through step by step using a personal example of mine — my internal struggle to love my past chubby middle school self.
Step 1: Imagine a past version of yourself that you dislike.
I grew up as a chubby kid. I dropped 30 pounds in college, but for most of my adult life, I’ve disliked my body and felt it was too large, too pudgy. On top of that, I knew that it was an unhealthy body image — friends would constantly tell me, “Dude, you look fine. Stop thinking you’re fat!” Instead of stopping those thoughts, I added on more self-hate for the fact that I couldn’t get rid of an unhealthy body image mentality.
Step 2: Think of why you dislike that past version of yourself.
Until recently, I used to hate my chubby child past. I remembered all the pain I went through for being overweight — the constant bullying, the social awkwardness, the lack of confidence that I tied all to my poor eating habits growing up. And feeling stuck, like there was nothing I could do to change myself.
I worked crazy hard over the last twelve years to train off that chubby body that used to define so much of my identity. In college, I ran 40 miles a week in the depths of Boston winters. I struggled and finally figured out how to balance work with a healthy dose of working out through my 20s. A year ago, after a dozen years of steady working out and dieting, I had finally built the body that twelve year old Nick had cried for. Yet, I still hated twelve year old Nick.
I hated how much ground I had to make up for. For all those lost years in high school when I could have developed confident social skills. For my saggy skin and stretch marks. I still had so much anger for being bullied.
Step 3: Think of how being that past version led you to who you are now.
This is where the healing starts.
I realize now that so much of what defines me as an adult — my commitment to fitness, a strong martial arts background, strong self-actualization — stems emotionally from being chubby and being bullied. I listen well. I’m empathetic and able to feel for people dealing with insecurities.
I know what’s it like to be both invisible to those who you’d like to have see you and impossible to hide from those you want to avoid. After having been overweight and then having become fit, I understand just how much the world treats you differently because of how you look.
P.S. I don’t mean to fat shame. If you love your body as it is, you’re already a step past me in self-love, no matter what shape you’re in.
Finally, I know what it’s like being in my own head, for feeling bad for feeling bad. I’ve learned how to shake myself loose from those thoughts, through dance and friends and laughter.
Of course, this isn’t meant to say I’m not dealing with some psychological defenses that have built up from my childhood traumas. I’m still insecure in the way I look at times, often obsessing over physical appearance to a degree that is foreign to other straight men. I’m also still finding I’m catching up on the social skills game.
But the trick here is recognizing that all human experiences can be interpreted in good and bad ways. We each deal with our traumas in adaptive and maladaptive ways. That’s part of what makes life beautiful — where there’s sadness, there’s strength, and the happier times are so much sweeter for the pain we’ve each endured.
Step 4: Hug your past version of yourself. Send them love.
Forgive your past self for having endured that pain, for making poor choices, for being caught in situations they didn’t know how to escape. You are stronger for those situations now. Think about how who they were allows you to be who you are now.
Tell that past version of yourself how they had to be the way they are to allow you to be who you are now.
To twelve year old Nick:
“Hey buddy, I know you hate yourself for being chubby. That’s okay. One day, you’re not gonna be chubby, but you’re going to be so glad you were.
You taught me how to change my mind and body.
You taught me how to feel for other people struggling with their weight. With other people who feel invisible. With anyone struggling to stand in their own power.
You taught me how to be kind. How to look at bullies and those being bullied in a lens that can help heal them. How to see past appearance and see inside people.
Being fat was the best thing that ever happened to us. Thank you. I love you.”
Step 5. Find another past version of yourself that you find hard to love. Repeat until you love all past versions of yourself.
For me, this is a never-ending exercise. My struggle for self-love is never-ending.
And that’s also okay.
Find another past version you struggle with, another one that fills you with regret. Look at them with love and tell them how they made you who you are now.
This might take a lifetime. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.
Conclusion
Who you were is inseparable from who you are.
If you don’t learn to love the journey that’s led to who you are now, you’ll set yourself up to be hated by a future version of you. Don’t let that happen. Send love to your past selves.
Once you internalize that your journey creates your present, and that you should love all of that journey and yourself, it opens the doors to unconditional self-love.
We all deserve that.
Nick is an engineer by training and a kickboxer by hobby. He’s practicing his writing and developing a concept for a book. If you have any notes or thoughts on this article, he’d love to hear from you! Please write him your thoughts — nickhongwrites@gmail.com
