Long walks and other less obvious things…
As a natural planner you assume that by putting certain things in place you can control the results…hilarious right? After actually writing that sentence down I realize how comical it sounds, but isn’t that how we were raised? You make good decisions and magical things happen? You are able to clothe and feed yourself, give love and be loved, and be a productive part of society. It is all in the planning, isn’t it?
Sometimes I think there is your plan, and then there is the universe’s plan (life’s plan, or gods plan if you are religious—-whatever strikes your fancy). Unfortunately, the universe’s plan can be unexpected, frustrating, then interesting, before it eventually (hopefully) makes sense…even if it is the total opposite of what your original plan was supposed to be. I am not saying not to plan, if you don’t plan, the universe has nothing to laugh at then change. I think it applauds our efforts, and every once in a while throws us a bone…but in a condescending way…like when you praise your dog for pooping. It doesn’t want you laying around and waiting for it to flip you about like a tornado. It wants to see that you are making the effort, then it can tells you whether it agrees with your decision or thinks you are total moron then sets you on a some non-literal trip to Oz where you are taught a lesson about strength and courage, yada yada yada…you get my drift.
When I finally made my decision to go to Shanghai two years ago, I thought that was it. I was going to go to Shanghai, get my masters degree in marketing, come back to states and open my own shop…maybe? Honestly, right now I don’t remember what I thought I was going to do when I got back, but it all made sense at the time. Then as you know, things turned out dramatically different. I will admit that the things that came out of the decision have been amazing and confusing. As much as I have no regrets about the decision I made to pick up and go, with all that I gained through these experiences there were also loss. Sometimes what you see as a rut, can also be security and consistency. In that “rut” I had a job I had been at for years and years, I had an account that I worked on for years and years, I had a desk that I had sat at for years and years, I had friends that I known for years and years, I had a book club that I was in for years and years, I had a home I had lived in for years…and when I got back, I was out of this “rut”…and I was relieved…I think.
There was (is) an exhibit at the Museum of the City of New York about a designer named Stephen Burrows (keeping with my theme of “visiting” New York). I wasn’t familiar with his work, but he is a black American designer who became famous in the 70s who at one time presented along with Oscar de la Renta, Bill Blass, Halston, and Anne Klein at a huge fashion show in Versailles in 1973, against famous French designers such as Givenchy, Yves St. Laurant, Peirre Cardin, and two others I don’t remember (sorry). They were (are) exhibiting some of his work at the museum, along with a documentary about this famous fashion show in Versailles. I had arranged to meet up with an old friend to see the exhibit and the documentary afterwards. It was one of a few good friends that I had inadvertently lost in the move. I wasn’t really sure how or why, but the friendship had changed for whatever reason.
Whatever role you play in the end of a friendship, regardless of the basis for the ending of that friendship, it is still can feel like a loss and sometimes you can repair it and sometimes you can’t…and that is ok. As I tried to re-establish a friendship with someone that I hadn’t really been friends with for over a year, I realized that the foundation for the friendship was gone. It was now something that I had to decide if I wanted as me now, versus it just existing because it existed…before.
As I walked home that evening, I stopped mourning the end of that friendship and some of the others, and realized that people are placed in your life and (sometimes) taken out of them for a reason. I felt a bit silly for spending so much time focusing on what I no longer had in my life, instead of appreciating all that I had been given in its place. It was at that moment walking down 5th avenue at 9 pm in the evening that I finally realized that I had finally stopped missing that “rut”, and I was ready to embrace what else the universe had in store for me.
It is amazing what realizations you come to on a long walk…check back with me next week.
