Who your child is now, is enough.
Why we need to stop focusing on who they will be.
We are amazing.
There are 7.8 billion humans on the planet, each totally unique, with their own distinct complex iris pattern and fingerprints. We all look different, but it goes so much deeper than that. Each of us have our own individual life experience; how we feel, think and respond to the world around us.
Our uniqueness starts from day one, when out of all the hundreds of millions of possibilities at conception, ours was the successful DNA mix. Babies are born with whatever personality, natural talents, learning style and disposition that makes them who they are. Any midwife will tell you, some babies are born screaming, others peaceful and content, some immediately and proficiently latch on to breastfeed, others need more assistance until they get the hang of it.
All different, yet all perfect.
I guess, I’m touching on the old nature vs nurture argument, but the reason this debate is ongoing is because, of course, both are an important factor. Our job as parents and community is to be the nurture part.
I propose we strive to really make every day a positive learning experience for our children. In order to do this, we need to start embracing who they are now, in their present moment. I do not believe this can be accomplished if we force children into a certain way of doing things or into a certain area of study or work. Too much of mainstream education focuses on a predetermined ubiquitous curriculum for all, a hierarchy of subjects, delivered to each and every child at a particular age, regardless of whether they are interested or ready to take on that learning. School education is based on the premise that the adults in charge know best, with regards to what children should be learning; children are too young, how could they possibly know what they need to live in our adult world, right?
But they will be living in their adult world, determined by their choices and actions, and may need things that we haven’t thought of yet.
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t offer (the key word here being ‘offer’ as opposed to ‘give’), them guidance from our experiences of life. Children naturally look to us as role models in this way; just observe how children mimic ‘grown-up’ scenarios in their play. However, in school, as children get older and the curriculum becomes less and less relevant to their individual interests and aspirations, the coercion and fear mongering grows. The focus on attaining grades intensifies, those magical bits of paper that determine the success of your future. School isn’t something to necessarily enjoy, but rather something to get through.
It is all about the prospective future adult self, with little regard for the interests of the child in the present. Learning choices as the child version are somehow unimportant. But what could be more important than childhood; that golden time of discovery both of yourself and the world around you. A time of great curiosity, joy and wonder, that sadly seems to fade the longer a child has been subjected to compulsory education.
We are a family with three children, who we home educated through to adulthood. We took a child-led approach to their learning, growth and development. They all acquired those highly prized skills of reading, writing and maths, but how they did so was individual to each of them. They learned to read at different ages; one before her 3rd birthday, one at 5 years old and one just before he turned 8 years old. How each of them did so, was very different — but they learned in a manner of their own choosing, with their own purpose in mind and at a time determined by themselves.
Their learning over the years was driven by their curiosity and interests. We did not have any timetables or schedule of learning, we did not follow any particular curriculum, nor have standards to be met. As facilitators accompanying them on their respective journeys, we responded to their questions by providing opportunities for discovery and experimentation. Around our home we always kept plenty of books, games and resources readily available for them to access as and when they wanted. Together we had family discussions, days out, camping trips, nature walks, museum visits and participated in community events, clubs and home education groups. The emphasis was on living life, the learning naturally followed.
It is impossible to stop learning from happening, it is hard-wired into us — for life. Throughout life we learn every day, from every interaction and experience. We are making decisions, problem solving, communicating, seeing, feeling, hearing, touching, tasting…thinking, reflecting and acting, all adding to our growth as an individual, every single day of our life.
We need to stop asking children; “what do you want to be?”
It is far too limiting and a very difficult question for most people to honestly answer. I’m not sure what I would say even now, I don’t know what I want to be. I am simply living life and that has many roles at different times, even just through one day. A small child might give an answer of fireman or dancer, or some such other job that seems cool in that snapshot moment, but as they get older and understand the implication of that question, they most likely will say they don’t know. Often they will also demonstrate through their body language, their negative emotions behind the thinking and response to that question. They may feel anxiety that they have failed to adequately answer the question, one, which as an emerging adult they are expected to know the answer to. In that seemingly simple, common question, there is an expectation of ‘becoming’ something and an implication that who they are now isn’t enough.
I am inviting you to consider changing the question. You could instead ask; “what do you like doing?” or even better; “what do you love doing?”; “what are you good at?”; “how do you like to spend your time?”
Choose a question, that embraces who they are now and acknowledges that what they are choosing to spend their time on now, is of value.
It does require a leap of faith, to respect and trust your child’s choices around their own learning and how they spend their time.
Does it work?
For us, and many other now young adults that we were fortunate to share our children’s learning journey with, it did.
Learning and development is a fundamentally personal journey. It has been a pleasure to see some families in lockdown, who have felt able, to let go of ‘school thinking’. They have shifted their focus from school work and attainments to child-led activities and play. Family time has increased, bonds have strengthened and renewed, and parents are sharing the joy of new life skills being learned as they are simply living life together.
I appreciate this is also a difficult time for many, but there has been a positive to come out of it; that some families have been able to discover a new way to think about their child’s learning.
Perhaps we can emerge from this crisis with a mindset to continue with the transformation of how we think about our children’s education as a society.
