2013: Learning Self-Awareness
The great thing about being on the bottom is that the only way to go is up.
A Year Ago…
At the end of 2012, I felt like I was in that scene from the intro of Mad Men — free falling out of a building. I had $0 in my bank account and a few failed ventures, no plan, had moved back in with my parents, was obese, had diabetes, pre-cancer and depression. I was convinced that I had nothing of value to the world, helpless and a complete failure.
Turns out my failure was a blessing in disguise, I had found my breaking point. And it was there, I knew I had to make some changes to get back on my feet. I found a job and spared no expenses in getting the help I needed. And I accepted a helping hand to make the slow recovery to get back on my feet. The great thing about being on the bottom is that the only way to go is up.
When you find out how fragile you really are, how your life could end in an instance, and how little or no control of everything and everyone else you have — you realize that the only thing that’s sort of in your control, is you.
The only things that are in your control are your thoughts, feelings and actions — not much else. Just like you can’t force your body to digest that Christmas Turkey dinner without packing on the pounds, you can’t command your body to stop growing cancer cells or to stop being intolerant to glucose. I hope that other people don’t also have to go through extremes to know, take care of yourself — you’re the most important person in your life.
I have just started to understand what words like self-awareness, self-love, being vulnerable, living authentically really means. I think the more you think you know, the more you realize you don’t know. It’s just like when you start getting the travel bug, set foot on a few countries and soak in the culture. You think you’ve done pretty good until you see how many places Anthony Bourdain has been or the scenery from Planet Earth and realize you ain’t seen nothing yet.
I’m new on this path of self-awareness and the fact that I’m attempting to write about it, makes me know where I stand, according to Lao Tzu: “Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.” Although, another quote from him is quite encouraging:
“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.”
A Connector in the Making
I take pride in being a connector — in being able to relate to others, read them, pick out their strengths, accept their weaknesses, and set up situations to help them learn or succeed. It’s much easier to help solve other people’s problems than tackle my own and it’s also easier to be rational and focus on truth not emotions when it has to do with other people. My hobbies include reading autobiographies, learning about psychology, finding frameworks on how people behave thru Myers Briggs, Strength Finder and even Numerology. I love trying to understand people’s beliefs, religions and political views. I’ve spent so much time getting to know other people and putting myself in their shoes, and I thought that to be a better connector, I had to continue being a bigger sponge to absorb it all.
However, this year I realized that to become a better connector, I actually needed to work on me. When you interact with other people but are not aware of what your own thoughts, feelings and what you’re projecting outwards, you can be quite ineffective. A common reoccurring problem for me was that I would immerse myself in other people’s emotions and problems, inheriting them as my own. I wouldn’t rest until I made their problems go away and we’d both feel good — yes, that plan was destined for failure. I couldn’t distinguish the boundary of what was my own problems/thoughts/feelings and what were others. What a relief it has been — the more I’m getting to know myself, the less I need to inherit other people’s problems and actually the more effective I have been at helping and connecting.
Look it up, you’ll find a ton of articles about how self-awareness is a key to success, but the funny thing is, unless you’re already on the path of self-discovery and self-awareness you glaze over it just like I did.
How not to help others
I’ve also realized that everyone learns and works through life at their own pace. It’s so tempting to turn on the preaching/lecturing mode especially when you see clearly what mistakes someone else is making or about to make. But if I have learned anything, it’s that you can’t assume anything. The person you see in front of you is complex and ever changing — there may be cycles they’re stuck in from childhood or trauma. There may be lessons that they’ve yet to master. And really, there is no such thing as common sense. Rumi says it best,
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
I’ve tried and failed this year on multiple occasions to “help” others by dishing out my new found wisdom. You can’t force anybody to change or learn anything, they need to be ready to find their own motivations, or breaking point. Ironically I’m probably writing this to try to reach people who don’t yet want to read it.
When I finally realized I needed to change, the right people appeared. It’s like you open your eyes to a different subset of stories and resources on your newsfeed and more importantly, you realize that you’re not alone. I’m really optimistic about the future, as more and more people become self-aware, the support and resources are definitely there when you need it.
It really does take a village to raise a child — and in this day and age we live in a tightly connected global village. We benefit as a whole to support each other in our journey to grow up, discover who we are, and contribute our own unique gifts. The Dalai Lama summarizes it best,
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”
As eventful as 2013 has been. I can’t wait for the adventures that 2014 will bring as we keep practicing self-awareness and living authentically.
Thu wrote her first book, My Quest for Yummy Banh Mi with the help of Kickstarter in 2011. She is now writing a book about her year called “How Thu beat cancer”.
