He has not abandoned you

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Ether 12:27

This is really what this blog is all about. This is my journey finding and becoming who I am in my Heavenly Fathers eyes. By coming closer to him and knowing him more fully, in doing so finding the power to love myself with all of my flaws and weaknesses and becoming better through my Savior. I am not skilled in writing, but I pray that as I am open and honest that the spirit will help my message come across in the way I intend it to. I pray that as you read my experiences in this journey that you will feel loved, you will feel hope, and that you will feel empowered to continue on in your own journey.

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember but my battle with depression did not start until I was about fourteen. I didn’t understand why I always seemed to feel down, why I had a hard time finding joy in my favorite things. I felt disconnected from all those around me, I started losing motivation for school and my grades started dropping, I quickly gained almost 20 pounds in a few months.

Anxiety and depression where not talked about. All I knew was that if you had these you were a crazy person. When I would talk to adults about what I was feeling they would say oh you are just a nervous person have confidence and it will go away, it’s just a faze you’ll grow out of it, pray and you’ll feel better… ummmm nope! After a couple years the responses started to change but not for the better now they said I must have a guilty cautious, if I would just repent all of the things I was feeling would just go away. To this point I was a very “good girl” I read my scriptures, I prayed, I went to church, I went to seminary, I followed the strength or youth pamphlet I was “doing” everything. What was I doing wrong? I couldn’t think of what I could have possible done to feel this way. Was I a bad person because I felt this way? Was I being punished for something? I had never felt so alone.

Of course, being a teenager and being in high school didn’t help either. With the sudden weight gain rumors started flying… the looks started… Then someone asked if I was really pregnant. I was mortified I quickly told them no. I was heartbroken; how could people believe that about me? I didn’t understand. Was I not a “good girl”? What had a done wrong? Why did everyone think I was a “bad” girl?

I started to question everything. I thought that I knew the church was true, I thought that Heavenly Father loved me I thought that he knew who I was. I thought that I had “proved” to him that I believed, a few years earlier I had been bullied at church, I had gone even when no one would talk, sit or even look at me. Why? Why had he abandoned me? Why would he let all of this happen to me? If he loved me why would he let me feel this way? Why would he let people think these awful things about me? Was he even there? I was broken, I felt alone, and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I kept up appearances, I had to prove them all wrong, but inside I felt broken, alone and empty. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling. The depression got worse, I had become bitter at Heavenly Father, bitter at my parents.

The reason I told you a little piece of this dark time is because now I am grateful for that time in my life. Those years helped shape me into who I am now. Now I know what it feels like and I can better understand how others can feel. Now that I am looking back I can see how Even in the darkest times Heavenly Father NEVER left myside. He Never stopped loving me, even when I gave up on him and turned away he never stopped caring about me. I didn’t know it then, but he was giving me the opportunity to learn and grow, and with perfect timing he would send people into my life to help me, to soften my heart so that he could bring me “back” during this time was when the foundation of my testimony was laid.

There are a few moments in life that you will never forget, the night before school started my senior year is one that I will never forget. I had just had a fight with my parents because I didn’t want fathers blessing for that school year. I saw the tears running down their cheeks and the heartbreak in their eyes, but I couldn’t do it I didn’t feel worthy. I had never felt so low. I remember locking my door and just melting into a heap on the floor sobbing and for the first time in a few years actually praying, pouring my heart out asking all the questions asking to know if he was even their and if he even cared about me. I sat there for what seemed like forever waiting for an answer anything to just know that he heard me, but nothing happened. I remember pulling myself up and walking to my bed when the spirit said to open my scriptures, at first, I thought I was making it up, so I fought the impression, but it came again and again growing with intensity I grabbed them dusted them off and opened them up and they fell open to Helaman 5:12. This is how I read it:

And now, my beloved Jennie , remember, remember that it is upon the rock of Your Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if you build you cannot fall.

In that moment I knew that Heavenly Father DID know who I was, He DID care about and love me. I still did not understand what was going on BUT for the first time in years I had hope and I knew that somehow everything would be okay and that I would understand.

Three years later while I was getting ready for my mission I was diagnosed. I remember feeling relived that that there was help, but I felt ashamed I had a mental illness, one more thing that was wrong with me. How could I ever be who I wanted with this? If people ever find out they won’t treat me the same they are going to think I am crazy. I remember desperately praying for peace about and that I would somehow understand how I was supposed to be “normal”. That General Conference Elder Holland gave his talk, Like a Broken Vessel. I cried through the entire talk. I was filled with so much peace and comfort, I knew that I was going to be okay. If he and so many other amazing leaders had struggled, and they had made it through I had hope. It started to change my entire prospective I no longer saw it as a punishment.

On my mission I finally gained clarity I was no longer ashamed, I started to see how the promise in Ether 12:27 was a reality. It was becoming a strength, it made me humble and teachable, I could listen and understand others that were in their low and dark times, I could give light and hope and love. I could let them know they were not alone, they were not forgotten, and there was light at the end of the tunnel. I was confident in who I was as a daughter of God.

After coming home I promised myself that I was stay up on my studying and go to the temple every week, I would act on every prompting, I would be “perfect” Well… I am human I am weak, I have flaws, and far far from perfect. Life happened! I married the love of my life, life got crazy and my priorities started to change. Faith and your knowledge of the gospel are like a muscle if you are not constantly exercising that muscle it starts to weaken over time. I got pregnant and was sick and the depression came knocking at the door. I lost my confidence in who I was. Since I had be exercising that muscle my defenses where down, and when Satan used my anxiety as a weapon against me I would listen, soon I felt like I wasn’t worthy to read and study my scriptures, to go to church or to even pray. Since I had been a missionary I knew that they were all lies but part of me believed them.

After I had Lylah I started taking an anti-depressant again and now 8 months later I am feeling better, but I lost who I was. I knew Heavenly Father loved me but everything else was so shaky. While we were teaching our Sunday school class and out of nowhere Josh asked me a question and I flipped open to Helaman 5:12 and I knew what I needed to do. It has taken me a few months to get up the courage to share me experiences. As terrifying as it is to be this open and honest I am grateful for this opportunity.

I pray that I am able to help lift you up and to help you feel of your Heavenly Fathers, and Jesus Christ Love for you. If you are going through a similar experience I hope you know that you are not alone. If you are someone that has a loved one struggling with anxiety and or depression I hope that you are able to better understand them. If you are someone that is learning to love yourself, if you are trying to regain or strengthen your testimony, if you are trying to keep a positive outlook no matter what comes your way please join me in this journey. You are so so so loved you are important and you are needed. You are unique and beautiful, you are so special. You are a Child of God! We are all in this together smile at a stranger, always be kinder then is necessary you never know what someone is going through. Through Christ and his atonement we are able to learn and grow, when we make mistakes we are able to learn from them and become better. Your weakness can become your strengths you are unstoppable. Through Jesus Christ peace and joy are possible.

Thank you for reading! I am excited to continue to share this journey with you.