You can’t call it love, can you?
It isn’t something you could define by the word love on its own, that’s why we attach an adjective to it that’s become all too used these days: unrequited. I suppose it’s overused for a reason, there’s a pain in that what-if and the what-didn’t that isn’t found in what was had and was lost. It’s a different pain and a different caliber, but it all hurts regardless.
I knew I loved her and I chickened out before I could say it. What was the point of saying anything? I knew what she was going to say, I knew what she felt. There was no point in asking or doing anything. I knew this story all too well.
It’s worth a try, though, right?
Think about how easy it is, how good it is being with her, how much fun you always have — that has to count for something, right? It might, who knows?
The days dragged on as they had until the final night of the semester. Paper after paper and exam after exam ensured that it wouldn’t be on my mind as much as it usually would have. But the vacation was fast approaching and soon it would consume me and the old tortures would find themselves in my system once again. It’s settled then, I think. I’m going to tell her and figure out the rest from there.
Twilight approached the campus and the entire student body began to huddle around the grounds for the event that was meant to cap off the year that had passed. The sky burned a lilac and orange hue and the cold breeze continued to blow all around us, rustling the trees and sending leaves flying out around the grounds. We had spent the earlier part of that day, after the final exam, going around the city, eating, looking for places to drink after the event, and lulling around in some café to pass the time. All that time I had thought of how and when to do it and all that time with her made me fall deeper and deeper into her — I hadn’t stopped falling and Lord knows when I had started.
What mattered now is that I did love her, and it’s going to hurt like a bitch when she says that she doesn’t love me back. But I guess this is what has to happen, I couldn’t let it eat at me nor could I allow it to ruin the friendship we had. I didn’t want to make it look like I had some ulterior motive by hiding it from her. I want to be frank and nothing else, she just has to know. I can’t afford to be everything I am when I realize that I like someone. No friendship or semblance of a friendship survives how awkward and distant and awful I become when I fall.
I wasn’t hoping for anything, I’ve learned that hoping for things gets you hurt — especially hoping for love.
The mass of students and the cacophony of sounds they created grew as the event drew closer. Soundcheck after soundcheck went on as the sky finally went dark revealing the stars hiding in the sun's light. The pile of wood for the bonfire arrived and was to be lit somewhere along the night — and somewhere along the night, I would tell her.
The idle march of time was maddening, but I was waiting for a moment I didn’t even know when the organizations performed, that MC’s talked for hours, and music blared from the speakers. We sat on the damp grass and enjoyed the performances that were set before us. At around nine o’clock our friends began to nod and we began heading to the closest bar we could find.
Maybe the alcohol would help, it’s called liquid courage, after all.
Drink after drink after drink came and my desperation consumed most of it. It was burning at my stomach now and I knew I would do it the moment we had some time alone. The final bottle was finished and the final shot poured. I would walk her back to her dorm as I always had before catching a cab back to my place.
Every step heading back hurt. My heart was beating so quickly and so hard that I was afraid I might have a heart attack or a stroke — or both. We finally made it to her gate and I ask her to wait a while. I jump around and take a few deep breaths and finally muster up the courage to tell her after a week of torturing myself over it.
“Hey.”
“What is it? And what was all that?” she asks, laughing at the performance I just gave her
“Ah, that’s something I do when I’m nervous.”
“Yeah, sure. What are you nervous about?”
“Well, it’s just…”
“Yeah, just what?”
“Before I say anything, I just want you to know that you’re my best friend and I always enjoy the time I spend with you and I am always in awe and wonder at the entirety of you and if anything changes when I say what I’m about to say then I am so sorry, I am so so so so sorry. And if I’m screwing anything up right now then please stop me.”
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“I’ve fallen for you, Gabbie.”
A car passes by and the wind picks up the dried, fallen leaves surrounding us, accentuating the silence that had enveloped to two of us. She simply stood there, wide-eyed and her mouth agape, staring at me — a flurry of emotions passing through her eyes: shock, confusion, discomfort. I couldn’t feel my heart anymore and I’m pretty sure I had gone pale. I’m going to lose her, aren’t I?
“I’m so — ”
“You promised that you wouldn’t fall in love with me”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Lord knows I didn’t mean to but I was in the middle of it before I even knew I began. It’s not something we can control; it’s not something I can control. I’m really sorry.”
“Did you even think this through? You do know what my situation is, right? ”
“I’m sorry.”
Another breeze blows and car after car pass the road beside us but I hear none of it. I hear only time passing and the awful silence that had built a wall between us.
“So, what now?” she says, breaking the silence.
“I don’t know. I never thought beyond this.” I reply
“Yeah, you never really think things through.” She lets out a short laugh
“So what do you want to do?”
“You couldn’t have done this earlier? Like maybe last week. We only have four days left, Dan. ”
“I’m sorry.”
“Tell you what, from here on out until I go back to Manila on the thirteenth, we will go out every day and figure this out, okay? But don’t you dare label them as dates.”
“Why?”
“I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I lost you because of something like this.”
“Well, if they aren’t dates, what are they?”
“We’re just figuring you out, Dan. Don’t think too much, you’ll overthink and we might screw this up. And you know, the whole situation in Manila. I have to weigh it out and figure things out from there. You have four days.”
“Thank you.”
“You know, I still have a few hours left on my permit, you want to go somewhere and just talk?”
“Sure, where, though?”
“You know the War Memorial Park a little way down the road?”
“That place stinks and it’s so creepy at night.”
“Do you want this or not?”
“I do, I do, I’m sorry.”
“Good, let’s head out.”
We walk past the gates of the dormitory and down to the old war memorial a street away from the University. We settle on a cold stone bench and look at each other through the broken darkness. Moonlight drips in through the incongruent canopy of the pine trees that shade the park during the day. I’m pretty sure there are some people in here that are drunk or high or doing Lord knows what in the safety of the darkness. We’ve had a smoke or two in this park before, but never in this kind of darkness.
I had calmed down now and my mind was trying to wrap itself around the things that were happening. I knew I couldn’t lose her, but I didn’t know I meant as much to her as she did to me. But I shouldn’t hope, I shouldn’t get my hopes up — she didn’t make any promises, we were just figuring things out.
“So, what do you want to figure out?” I asked, regaining my composure
“When did you know?”
“Last Monday, the fifth, you know, when we had that dinner.”
“Is that why — , dammit, seriously? That was your plan?”
“I’m sorry, it was forward of me. I didn’t know. All I knew was that I really did love you and I just needed to know. I’m sorry.”
She takes a deep breath and sighs loudly, ‘Ah well, that’s new of you.’
“I’m sorry for being forward.”
“It’s fine.”
“Why here, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I used to go here whenever I needed to be alone with my thoughts, or unwind, or yeah. Never mind the gunk and the smell and the strange people. It was somewhere I could find peace even for a moment.”
“Come to think of it, this place isn’t too noisy despite being an island bordered by three very busy roads.”
“It isn’t too busy now.”
“Yeah.”
Another silence envelopes us, not the discomfort nor the wall it had placed between us, but the familiar warmth that usually enveloped us on dull moments — the warm silence that rid of awkward silences and didn’t make us feel the need to fill every second with noise.
“You know, I’m technically single.”
“Yeah but — ” I say
“We broke up months ago, okay? It’s just a little complicated.”
“So, what?”
“Well?”
“Jesus Christ you are dense.”
I stare at her for a few moments before I realize what she was saying to me.
“Gabrielle de la Costa? May I have your permission to court you?”
“Oh thank God you finally got it. Yes, Daniel Batunbacal, you have my permission to court me.”
