What happens when things get challenging?
I was recently attending a yoga class at my studio. It was a 75-minute heated power yoga class. The instructor’s theme was to slow down, find the edge and feel it, get through it, see what happens. All the power poses were slowed down, held longer, etc… I found myself really getting into it. Yes, this is what I needed- to slow it down. I found myself really tuning into how my body was reacting when asked to stay in a pose that was really quite difficult for longer than my body was used to or than it wanted to. My fight or flight system kicked in and a funny thing happened. I noticed that every time it got to be too much, I lost my focus. I did all the right things -I slowed my breath and grounded into my mat, but my eyes would start shifting around the room. I looked down, up to the front wall, even to the person beside me. After three or four times that this happened, I really noticed it. So finally, I was able to start reigning it in. I slowed my breath even more, purposely set my gaze on one thing and powered through the challenge.
Not only did this experience give me something to write and reflect on (and potentially use for my next yoga class), but it started me thinking about how this applies to my current journey in 2024. Specifically, the quitting alcohol aspect of the journey. I came to the realization that losing focus when things got tough was a pattern in my life. When I had a rough day at work, despite any previous plans, having a cocktail seemed like the best option — I needed it, I deserved it and why not? I was too frustrated to focus on anything else. When things got harry with family or in a relationship, I immediately would run to soothe the challenging emotions — a beer with a friend, a glass of wine, a cocktail to vent — that was meant to calm or soothe or just distract from the real frustration or feeling. I could have my whole week planned — eating healthy, an exercise plan and that could all go to shit because something or someone threw me off focus. But it wasn’t “something or someone,” it was me.
Today, I am 41 days since deciding to take a break from alcohol as a part of our journey in 2024. I can recognize now that when I lose focus, I used alcohol to make it OK. To calm the frustration, to not fully commit to my eating or exercise plan that week. What I realize is that alcohol really didn’t solve anything — it just made it worse — and I set myself into the ongoing cycle that I truly believed was fine. However, I wasn’t facing the challenges or frustrations. I was letting myself get a little numb to it. And convincing myself because it was only two drinks, so it wasn’t an issue. But it was - because those one or two drinks started becoming an almost everyday habit and what I would look forward to. I was choosing them over the things that truly brought calm and peace in my life. Over time I found myself spending less time reading, writing, going to bed later, choosing a drink over an evening walk — all the things that give me balance and focus when faced with challenge or frustration.
Rediscovering how I can react to situations and challenges — just having a shitty day without running to soothe it with a cocktail or two - has been eye-opening for me. It wasn’t that I was getting drunk every time I had a bad day, but I was using it almost like a baby might use a favorite blanket. I realized alcohol was a block for me. Without it, I can follow through with eating clean, my exercise plan or creative projects. I can be frustrated, breathe through it, maybe even feel grumpy or teary-eyed and then reset my focus, ground down and push through. Then once it’s over, my focus isn’t headachy, tired or blurry eyed — I am clear and ready to take whatever it is that comes my way. I have better control over my reactions and responses and can own my emotions without just setting them aside.
Throughout 2024, I am creating an opportunity to reexamine my relationship with alcohol and possibly redefine it. I may never drink alcohol again — who knows? I may redefine how I use alcohol. I know I will not use it as a crutch to soothe me when faced with challenges or frustration in my life. I don’t need that anymore. It is only February, but I am 100% sure of one thing — I am stronger and more focused than I ever thought that I could be.
