Consent Is Not “Sexy”. It’s Necessary.
A Slice Of Consent: On Creating Boundaries and Respecting Each Other’s Bodies.
I am a firm believer that teaching consent from an early age is a necessary step that could impact the amount of rape and sexual assault cases. When the issue of rape and sexual assault is brought up, it often conjures the image of a scary man jumping from the bushes onto an unsuspecting woman or man. However, having survived three years of university and a few failed relationships, I can speak from experience and say that many people do not know how to get consent, or what consent even is in relationships.
Consent is not the absence of a no. A shrug is not consent. Silence is not consent. Being drunk is not consent. Only an informed yes is consent. And that yes can be changed to a no.
It is quite simple actually. But because we are painted a very extreme and explicit version of what rape and sexual assault is, issues of consent are not quite given the same attention. Growing up as a woman, I don’t think l was ever taught how to create boundaries and comfortably stick to them. I learnt from movies and novels and cartoons that if a boy bullies you he likes you. That aggression and dominance in men is attractive, and if he argues you out of your previously stated boundary then it is indication of his passion and care for you. And of course, this goes both ways. There is no doubt that men can also experience abusive relationships with women, or men.
The rise of the #MeToo was an important highlight of the ways in which consent is viewed as a mundane issue in society. It sparked a wave of women coming forward with their stories about sexual assault, revealing the commonality of such experiences between women and how sexual assault is normalised in our society. Which is a part of the problem, because it causes many men (and women) to internalise harmful attitudes about sex, thus becoming unable to recognise when they are acting in harmful ways towards the opposite gender.
Thus, from my own personal experiences, I felt compelled to write this: A small but useful guide to consent and respecting each other’s boundaries.
- Firstly, consent does not only apply to sexual relationships. You are allowed to tell people off for touching you in ways that you do not like. This can be hugging, touching your hair. Feeling discomfort from these actions is valid. And you are allowed to voice that discomfort and have your boundary respected.
- When a no is given, it is not a signal for argument or invitation to convince someone out of their no. No and Convince me are quite different words.
- In a healthy friendship/relationship, your partner allows you to set your boundaries without making you feel pressured into situations you don’t want. It is a signal for a healthy relationship when you are allowed to say yes/no despite the other person’s disappointment.
- A common forgotten fact about consent is that it does not have to explicitly include the word ‘no’. Body language is important!
- Consent is not sexy! Consent should not be made sexy for men or women to respect it. It should be taken seriously because people are autonomous and complete individuals whose boundaries are valid and whose bodies deserve to be respected.
Leeds University Union’s newly launched Online Reporting System is a helpful method of reporting and seeking support for any issues regarding sexual harassment, hate crimes and online harassment for students. In this new wave of #MeToo, it is important to keep remembering that everyone’s experiences are valid. The more we shed light on the issue, the closer we get to creating change.
Other helpful services also include: SARSVL (Support After Rape and Sexual Assault Leeds), your local GP and the Advice Centre for Leeds University students.
