Not every student’s support system looks like yours.
How mindful are you of the fact that not every student at Leeds has parental support? Estrangement describes distance between you and your family: a relationship and communication breakdown, no functioning relationship with your biological parents, and no practical (including financial) support from them. Lots of cases of estrangement result from things like being “disowned” due to life choices, such as refusing an arranged marriage or coming out as LGBT+ to parents who disapprove or hold conservative religious views, however not all estrangement looks the same and there are many complex factors that can interact over years to result in estrangement.
This means that not all support networks look the same, and not everyone you meet at Leeds is going to have a nuclear family support system. This week is Estranged Students Solidarity Week, and we want to encourage every student to be aware of this — never make assumptions about someone’s family situation and don’t expect that everyone around you is receiving any kind of emotional, financial, or physical support/advice from parents.
Some students might not be going home every few weekends and over the holidays, and they might feel uncomfortable opening up about their home situation and the circumstances that led to their distance from their parents — it might be that they possibly faced abuse or neglect as a child. Stand Alone, the charity, reported that there is actually a lack of social service intervention in 60% of estranged student cases, and that 30% were registered/had considered registering as homeless before their course began.
An estranged student from Sheffield sums up the way her estrangement impacts on her University experience:
“I’ve been estranged from my parents for over a year, and had a troublesome relationship with them for years prior to that due to emotional abuse. It’s incredibly difficult to be independent at the age of 19–20 and being thrown in the deep end. I spent many months being homeless and sleeping at friends’ houses, relying on the goodwill of others. It has been hard to afford the more expensive books for my course and often I missed important reading as the textbook was loaned out or in use at the library. I can’t help but feel so different and abnormal, as everyone else here seems to have such a good relationship with their families. It hurts the most during holidays, and when term finishes, as obviously I can’t just pop home for the summer”.
As part of ESSW, we collected a couple of Leeds student stories about the way estrangement has affected them.
“I have been estranged for just over a year now, just before I came to university. I think the hardest part about my experience with being estranged is the silence I get when I open up to people that I don’t have a family anymore. Sometimes people just ask what I am doing during the holidays and I don’t want to lie. Even just some acknowledgement that it’s difficult to not have family would make me feel somewhat connected to others. I never got any help from social services until I was almost 18 and by that point I had experienced so much trauma that my days at university are unpredictable. I can never tell when I will get flashbacks and if I can do basic tasks from one day to the next. It makes planning for assessments and other tasks quite hard but I sort of just manage. I know a lot of students might not experience the same things estranged students face but I think just being there for someone and asking how they can help could really make us feel supported and connected.”
“For myself, mental health is a big factor that has been affecting my academic life so far. The past few weeks have felt like I have been falling and losing who I am, and not having the support to build me back up again. I have recently been in touch with different support services at the university, and this has helped a bit in terms of managing my anxiety alongside my academics and trying to get back to float. Christmas is going to be difficult (as it is every year), and I always feel alone during this period. However I am finding it easier to find ways to mitigate these feelings every year, and I am hopeful this year will be better than the last.”
It’s okay to have varied support networks that include friends, other relatives or even University support services. If you want to find out more about the support you can get if you are an estranged student, you can view information from the Union and University (who has a dedicated member of staff looking at estranged student support) here:
https://students.leeds.ac.uk/info/1000014/plus_programme/1129/estranged_students_no_parental_support
If you ever need to talk to anyone about any issues you’re having with family relationships, you can always come and speak to LUU’s student advice team. You can find them in the foyer (ground floor) of LUU — if you can’t find them, ask any of the Help and Support staff in the blue t-shirts to point you in the right direction!
