The Problem With No Name.
The dangers of the gendered division of labour within families.
The biological differences between men and women have served in traditional gender theory as the justification for the inequalities between the sexes. Men are characterised as the rational sex, with inherent capabilities to become doctors, scientists and presidents. While, women are deemed as emotional and irrational. This distinction between the sexes operates as the fundamental blueprint for how boys and girls are raised. As stated by Michelle Obama, ‘we love our boys and raise our daughters’.
Now I am the first born in my family. From an early age, l was taught how to cook and clean and take care of my brothers while my parents worked. Many women will relate to this experience of being a second mother within their households, because it is an expectation for women within (many black) households to be able to take on these roles.The problem is not that I had to do chores and help around the house, it is that my brothers never had to take on the same responsibility I did growing up. As a woman, I had to learn to cook and clean while the excuse for my brother not being able to do either is simply that ‘he’s a boy’. If it is not obvious already in my tone: yes, I am very bitter!.
My problem is the ways in which society relegates feminine roles to women by socialising them into the roles of mothers and wives. You can see it in the production of toys for girls and toys for boys. You see little girls playing with a toy oven, learning to cook, taking care of dolls while little boys learn how to fly aeroplanes and drive cars. These differences are constructed by patriarchy to serve the interests of male supremacy. To emphasise these differences, you see men growing up expecting women to cook for them, because they were never taught how to. They see women as objects for them to conquer into submission, because they are told that Eve was created for Adam. Thus, they grow up with an entitlement to women and with expectations about what women will do for them domestically.
Loving your sons and raising your daughters is not only dangerous because it creates toxic masculinity but also because it dictates the relationship your daughters have with themselves. Speaking for myself, there are many times I have been manipulated by men into letting down my boundaries, into believing that as a woman I must be domestic and take care of them while all they provided was the promise for security and “cuddles”. This gendered division of labour affects women’s ability to stand up for themselves or articulate their feelings, because they are taught from an early age that their feelings are secondary. They are told not to do this or that because what if a man doesn’t want to marry them or what if their children see them acting like this or that. Instead, women usurp their goals and internalise the standards of patriarchy which says they must work from home, have children, cook and clean.
The irony I find in this is the many women who complain that their husbands never cook for them or would rather go out than take care of their children, or call it “babysitting” when they must. But as mothers they raise their sons in the same way, by not teaching them to cook and clean or take care of themselves. Thus, contributing to the cycle. As a woman, if my room is ever dirty, I will hear a mouthful from my mother about it. And yet, she will clean my brother’s room countless times while making excuses about how he is “young” and “boys will be boys”. But enough is enough! Boys will not be boys, boys will be held accountable for their actions in the same way that girls are.
People ask me how I’m so mature for a 20 year old, and the response I want to give is that as a woman I had to mature quickly because l was literally forced to be responsible for myself and others and be aware of my position as an object of my father’s household and future husband. But instead I giggle and say I don’t know. The solution I provide in this article is quite simple: raise girls and boys the same way. It is no secret that the standards set by patriarchy also hurt men who cannot meet them. Men who cannot rise up to become leaders and instead want to become chefs and bakers and nurses are regarded by wider society as ‘feminine’ and are most often laughed at, because those are roles women are supposed to take. If these social expectations on how men and women should act were removed, and people were free choose whether to be stay at home moms or scientists, stay at home dads or football coaches then much of the trauma both men and women grow up facing would be eliminated.
We still have a long way to go as a society before we see some real change regarding gender roles. I am not the first one to challenge these standards, and that gives me hope as many men and women are becoming more self aware and building the confidence to fight against the binary constructions of gender.
One of the five strands of identity in which Leeds University deals with in their Hate Crime Support project is gender identity. This aims to protect trans students and students who neither identify as him or her from hate crimes and micro aggressions on campus. The aim of this being to make the campus a free space for students to express themselves while also fighting against the social constructions of gender identity and gender roles. Incidents of hate crimes and online harassment can also be reported on the newly developed online reporting system and we are encouraging all students to seek support for any ongoing issues.
