A Day in the Life of

This is a story of what it’s like. A day in the life of.

I came back home today and switched on the laptop to check mails. And again, I allowed myself to hang my head low. But it wasn’t rage I felt, but the death of my soul, ebbing away with every tear I shed.

I haven’t sent my resume out to anywhere, because I know I’m not ready. My heart is empty. I’ve lost the love in my heart for what I do. I have no passion left and inevitably, no matter where I go, that emptiness will persist.

I don’t really know how else to continue going in everyday, facing the same internal conflict. It takes so much strength and courage to come home and rebuild those walls that keep crumbling.

Imagine being in one of the best relationships of your life and somewhere down the road, the rules changed and the expectations of love mutated. But you’re still supposed to keep loving the same person the same way, despite the lies over and over, and false hopes given time after time, that things will be the way it used to be. Better yet, that the road ahead will be filled with greater promises.

But nothing’s changed and you still held on. Hoping. Until there were no more straws left to grasp and the intention to leave came too late.

Even though you’ve broken up, you still live under the same roof together, facing each other, never speaking. There’s a giant elephant in the room no one wants to admit exist. And so we dance and prance, pretend it’s all fine and dandy, living life as usual. While you get the living soul sucked out of you, facing this person, a constant reminder of the confidence and time you were robbed of.

That’s a day, in the life of the establishment that pays the bills.

So I ran away, as much as I could from that roof. I did things I’m not sure if I love, but they made me happy. It wasn’t always fulfilling, albeit temporal. But they add up. And bit by bit I grew a lot stronger and tougher. It wasn’t just physical, I kept falling sick at some point. It was also mental and spiritual. I’ve quietly found a way to stay whole and stay sane.

I read as much as I could, the things I used to love. Tech journals, pride forums, abstract and figurative literature, visited museums and spent as much time as I could outdoors, I walked at night by myself for miles when I needed the quiet. Most importantly, I’m always around positive people (who bitched a lot and make me laugh till it hurt).

In short, the entire weight of expectations, lost time, lost income, lost sleep, lost whatever — I stopped looking for the reasons, the answers and my purpose and passion. They came looking for me instead. With directions and instructions included.

And so I was able to: be positive in all things and be sure. Stick stubbornly to it. There was a reason why I fell in love with the things in my life and I remember them. And fall in love over and over again.

These nights, I shed tears of joy with every realization. I’ve gone rather soft these days. =)