It Is What It Is

And I accept it

It is what it is, and I accept it. I said that today. Twice. For someone that believes there’s nothing in this world she cannot do, is an utterly defeatist admission.

I got into work early today, when the sun barely rose, out of love and passion. I never accepted being pigeon-holed and placed right in the middle of the square just because. That we would always find ways to break out of it, if your heart is in the right place and if you wanted it enough. To do the things you believed in. The philosophy of disruption.

As the day progressed, I would find myself forcibly giving up whatever I tried to squirrel away, to keep my passion alive, to keep my heart beating. I gave away all the projects I held close. There were rules and processes, lines and demarcations. And I did it without much of a fight. It is what it is, and I accepted it.

I didn’t reply much of my messages on my mobile. Little snippets trying to cheer me up. To be honest, I was busy hyperventilating and freaking out. Knowing it was time to handover and give up whatever that was meaningful. Nothing good was going to come out of my replies, gibberish at most. It is what it is, and I accept it.

Forgive me if I choose to be by myself and stay silent. Left the office early today and came home to gaze at the ceiling for hours, before penning this.

And thinking… The only way is up, when you hit rock bottom. But you’ll always find new devastating depths. Options and alternatives are just delusions, the propaganda of running in circles.

I recall a close friend who read one of those books written by Lilian Too, Hong Kong’s top geomancer, fortune teller of some sort, that 2014 would be worse than 2013 for me. I was unfazed at that time. Nothing could beat 2013.

2013 was the year where I deliberately wrecked myself completely. I challenged myself to how low I could sink, stripped away everything till there was nothing left. I quit working, I quit socializing, I quit living. What I lost was so intense, I needed to know where it ended and where I began. Who am I?

It was all raw and bare. But there was something I couldn’t kill no matter hard I tried, was a certain passion that clung on tightly. Stubborn and resolute. And I knew within that passion, is who I am and it continues to shape me, as I chase that passion fervently after walking away from the cast-off.

That I eventually found a job, in an environment born out of maliciousness and pettiness, strife and discord, that passion still burned. It is insatiable. The love for tech. Let’s just put it this way, no amount of verbal abuse, passive aggressiveness, threats or blackmail could take it away. I just couldn’t be broken, I had more character than they gave me credit for. And eventually, I left that agency to someplace else, to continue building things, meaningful things.

For 2014 to be worst than 2013, seems unimaginable and impossible. So I thought.

2014 is the year where this passion came under siege. I allowed it to unwittingly. It is what it is, and I accept it.

I don’t think I have anything left anymore in my heart to lose. Waking up and doing it all over again tomorrow?

False smiles and Guy Fawkes masks.

Perhaps… Perhaps… Perhaps.