Leftovers, Again
Published in

Leftovers, Again

Who is God?

I think that my very first post should be about the most important subject in my life: God.

I believe God tried to speak to me since I was a child. I remember lying in bed as a child and having this feeling that God was talking to me, and that I understood. It’s hard to explain, but if you know God, then I don’t have to explain…you know what I mean already. If you don’t understand, then you probably do not know God.

God is my God, and in my life God is most important. But you don’t have to live that way or think that way for us to get along. In fact, we will probably have great philosophical discussions if you DON’T agree with me on things.

Anyway, God is cool with me, but I have not always lived the way He wants: I don’t know anyone who has ever lived up to God’s expectations, with the exception of Jesus. So God already knows we’re imperfect, and loves us anyway.

My family life growing up wasn’t what you might call ideal: in fact, it wasn’t that good at all. Sure, we had a roof over our heads, and food on the table, but the most important thing in life — love — was almost completely absent in my childhood home. My parents fought a lot, and sometimes very aggressively. Being the last of five children, I felt overlooked most of the time, as if they were tired of raising children by the time they got to me, and just wanted it to be ‘over’. I never really felt loved by my parents, which led to deep feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I just never felt like I measured up to what they expected, because if I had, they would loved me-like they did the other, older kids.

Anyway, I’ll come back to family woes later, but for now, I just want you to know that I felt lonely, desperate, and unloved by my family. I was totally missing something that I could never get: acceptance through unconditional love.

It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that I came to seek God again-this time for real. After crashing and burning badly in my personal life (more about that later as well), I realized that for most of my life everything I did — good or bad — was to get attention, to get approval, acceptance — yes, love. But it dawned on me that what I had been yearning for all my life COULD NEVER come from my parents or siblings.

Where then can you find this ‘patch’ for the hole in your heart?

The hole, as I found out, is caused by my desire to know and truly believe that I am loved unconditionally. Without unconditional love, I would be tormented forever. I wrote this at that time:

Only others can give the love that you crave, but they also have the power to take that love away. The powerlessness you feel in not being able to do anything--good or bad — to make others love you unconditionally comes from the false belief that you can make someone else love you if you try hard enough.

This idea was rooted in the base belief that its safe to put our faith in other people, that they are dependable and reliable with our hearts. People, as imperfect as I am, will always let you down. They are incapable of perfection, and you should not put your faith in any human: it just doesn’t work. Putting your faith in another person sets you up to be let down over and over again, taking you on the roller coaster of life, hoping to find the unfindable: the perfect person who won’t let you down, someone who will love you just the way you’ve always wanted. Unfortunately, this person does not exist!

This kind of thinking, this belief system, creates a very deep-seated problem for people — like myself — who subscribe to this train of thought. It speaks to our own perception of ourselves in the world, and tells us a great deal about ourselves: we must be losers because no one loves us. We develop the “I don’t care” mentality because we agree with our distorted minds that if no one loves us, then we won’t love or care about anyone else either. THIS IS SATAN himself telling us that we’re no good, that others are no good, and we believe him!

After years of letting the devil whisper his garbage into my soul, I truly believed I was unworthy of anyone loving me.

But I was wrong.

There was One that loved me, and accepted me, even before I had made all those bad choices and hurt the ones I loved.

God.

People whose basic belief is in the World — those who build on sand (I call it quicksand) — will find themselves shifting quickly and often through their lives, constantly reaching for a place to feel safe and loved. But like the sandcastle that washes away easily, this ‘Sandy’ person will routinely watch their world wash away each time the ‘unconditional love’ tide rolls in.

Those who build their lives on solid Rock have peace, knowing that their lives are secure in the stronghold of God’s bosom, that nothing in heaven or hell can take them out of God’s hands. They know that love from God is the foundation of life itself. There is no unquenched desire to fill holes in hearts; there is no burning need to do things to get attention, whether it be good or bad.

God loved us before we were born. Before we made any mistakes, hurt anyone, before we ever sinned. God loved us: unconditionally.

He accepted and loved me in ways my parents never would or could. His love — unconditional love — is never yanked away, never toyed with, never burdened with requirements. He loves us because He is God, not because of who we are. And He has always loved us, and accepted us.

Striving to please unpleasable parents and imperfect people only leaves you mad with unhappiness, full of discontentment, and demoralized.

Seeking love from people, places, and things will leave you unconditionally dissatisfied and ultimately dead in your soul.

Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be given unto you is the blueprint for the peace and security we all desire: the unconditional love of God is there for each of us, provided by Him alone.

His love, the love of God, then is the ONLY unconditional love there is, and God Himself is the only one capable of giving love unconditionally.

He will not take it away when you screw up.

He does not need you to be nice or do great deeds to earn His love.

He has chosen to give each of us this Amazing, unconditional love.

Without charge. Without penalty. Without limit.

When you KNOW that God loves you in this way, and has accepted you how you are right now, you will know that you are good enough.

How do I know I’m good enough for God and His unconditional love?

Well consider this…

He watched while His Son was killed unjustly for the sins of others

His Son was beaten and killed by His enemies…

enemies He could destroy with a single word

enemies that cursed His holy name

enemies that even denied that He and His Son exist

enemies who had nothing but hatred for Him

and hatred for His Son

yet He allowed those enemies to torture and murder His Son…

so that He could forgive those enemies

and me…

and you…

by raising His Son from the grave

to save

His enemies

and me…

and you.

So ask yourself, Could I watch my child die at the hands of my enemies

knowing that must happen

in order to save those enemies?

and me?

and you?

That is love like no other. God love. Unconditional love.

Build your life on that truth, and the truth shall set you free.

©Timothy J. Sabo

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I have been writing on Medium since 2017, but I didn’t know about online pubs then, so a lot of my early stuff never got published in an online publication — and no one saw them. I’m sure you have a lot of good stuff that needs to be shared too. Send it over, and I’ll publish it.

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