3 insights that help me use my hypersensitivity for better (inter)actions
In September 2017, I was lucky enough to attend the 4th Happy Startup Summercamp — an alternative 3-day event for change-makers from around the world. I had been working on an opportunity to go there for months, driven by the desire to meet the amazing community that gathers every year in the South Downs.
I have to say I was quite emotional during those 3 days, from the opening ceremony to the closing one. Partly because I was exhausted, partly because of my natural hypersensitivity and partly because the people, the workshops and the settings were all very moving and inspiring back there. Beauty makes me cry. Kind people and goodbyes too. Needless to say I was on a high-speed roller-coaster.
Throughout the event, I had many emotional ups and downs. But I also had 3 epiphanies about emotions that I would like to share with you.
Action is driven by emotion
You could think that it is what you do that makes you feel how you feel. Sports make you feel energetic, melancholic music makes you feel sad and depressed, and meeting with friends makes you feel joyful… But I would argue that it also works the other way around: it is how you feel that makes you do what you do and that drives how you do it — your genuine and personal way of doing stuff. Emotions give the impulse for action.
So you can make a significant change on your actions and their impact by triggering the right emotions beforehand or by just living them fully, embracing them, and surfing on your emotional state to accomplish a task with soul and inner magic. And it will produce a unique result no one else can achieve. Use that more often, like artists do.
Emotions build trust.
I was very disappointed I had not attended Seb Castro’s workshop on The Power Of Storytelling. But fortunately the universe had a better plan for me: it randomly seated me next to him for dinner that night. Seb & I had amazing conversations about Echo, his program in Coasta Rica, and about his upcoming trip to the Pole. As I was telling him how I regretted I didn’t attend his workshop, he paused, looked me deeply in the eyes and said : “Do you want to tell me a personal story?”.
F*ck. He was serious. And open. And genuinely eager to hear something true about me. That’s when it struck me: it had been a long time since I really spoke to someone. I mean speaking with the intent of delivering a part of who I am as the message. I said yes and told him the story of my childhood and how it instantly collapsed the day I was told that my mom had cancer. I had never trusted anyone with this before. Ever. It was somehow easy. He listened closely without interrupting, nodded and frowned along, and when it was over, he turned to me and softly thanked me for sharing. I was expecting something like “I’m sorry for what happened to your mom” and I’m soooo glad he did not say anything like that. Because this was not about his reaction, it was all about the story and what it meant.
After a pause, he turned to me again and asked “Do *you* want to hear a personal story of mine?” It was a very subtle and kind way of showing me I hadn’t returned the curiosity back. And I struck me again : it also had been a long time since I really listened and cared about other people stories. He made me laugh hard with his, and I thanked him. Trust can only be achieved by letting show your true emotions.
Emotions need space: my “deal-with-what-you-feel” framework
Sally-Anne Airey’s workshop started with a quote that stuck with me all week-end (and still sticks with me everyday)
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
Well, M. Frankl would have found it quite ironic that I liked his words so much. This space was literally nonexistent for me. And I kept thinking about a way to grow this space every time I needed to have more control on my emotions. So here is my “3-step Frankl Framework” inspired by the Liberating Structures.
- What? What’s happening? What are the facts? What do I observe? Pay attention to details and context Karine! Listen. Store information, take mental notes. Sharpen your sense of detail. But don’t react yet.
- So what? What does this mean? How do I interpret what I’ve seen/heard/lived? Why do I interpret it like that? Be aware of your cognitive and cultural biases along the way. Be aware of your intellectual limits too. Why do you analyze it this way? Is there another possible point of view? Another angle?
- Now what? Decide what you want to do next.
Between the what? (observation) and the now what? (action) there is a space. Give this space time to grow :) Count to five. And again.
I find this framework very useful and use it most of the time now when I feel overwhelmed by negative emotions. Positive ones are easier to deal with and most of the time, I don’t want to interfere with them to remain spontaneous and impulsive.
I’d love to hear how do *you* deal with your (hyper)sensitivity in the comments… If you liked that post, please clap for it and do not hold back to share it, let your emotions speak for you :)
