A bad question often asked by managers — and better ones to replace it

Have you ever been in this situation where you’ve been working on an idea, maybe some potential solutions to a problem, you barely have a pitch, but you feel you need some help, you just don’t know on what exactly? So, you’ve decided to pitch your idea to your manager, because hey, they have power, means and it’s their job to empower you and help you achieve your goals.
After explaining your idea, you hear this:

“How can I help you ?”

Though I’m deeply convinced that good management starts with good questions, I’m also convinced this one is bad. I know it’s supposed to show, — in a very indirect way — that your manager cares.

I hear that question a lot and I find it worthless. And sometimes even offensive.

• First, asking me “how can I help you ?” is just a roundabout way of throwing back the problem at me. Great, now I just have one more problem : I have to find a way to help you help me. Damn.
• Second, asking me “how can I help you ?” makes me feel in need and in a position where I can’t seem to succeed on my own.
• Third, asking me “how can I help you ?” implicitly gives you the savior role and dispossesses me from the exciting part of the figuring out process which is overcoming difficulties and owning it even through hard times.

“How can I help you ?” leads to adult-to-child conversation. “How can I help out with this?” leads to an adult-to-adult one.

Good intentions can be ruined by a poor turn of phrase

If you are a male manager addressing a female colleague avoid the “How can I help you ?” question. It may come across as a little condescending and paternalistic — let’s just say we are sick and tired of asking for help when we shouldn’t even have to because men usually wait to be told what to do and always put us in the unwanted role of the Great Organizer.

So don’t ask me how you can help me out, instead ask how you can help out with this, with questions such as :

• “Would X be of any use to help it happen?” (X being a concrete proposition, ‘it’ being your idea)
• “Your idea is great and I can see at least two ways of supporting it (not you): one is X and the other is Y”
• “I see you’re still trying to figure things out, let me know if anything within my scope can be done [not necessarily by me]. I thought for instance about X and Y, what do you think?” (puts me back in the driving seat of my idea)

All these phrases are aimed toward growing the idea, not you. They are much more proactive and offer something tangible. They sound like an adult-to-adult conversation.

Vince Lombardi once said “Leading by example isn’t the best way to lead, it’s the only way to lead”. Well, lead by proposing real hints and resources, not by returning the question. If I knew how you could help, I would have asked directly.