Glimpsing Grace

Glimpsing Grace

The fear that you feel would not even exist but for your own creation of it. Being free does not come from awareness of your story, it comes from being aware of your creation of the story…. Dr. Jack Pransky

On a stainless-steel tray, Dr. C is preparing the biopsy syringe which he will shortly deploy into the tumor in my right tonsil. I’m already a few seconds ahead of what’s coming, arching my back in anticipation.

Wearing a blue surgical cap and a clinically reassuring smile, Dr C turns to face me. I consciously exhale and shrink down, pushing my ribcage deeper into the firmly padded examining chair.

As I close my eyes and brace myself for the hypodermic’s imminent arrival, a curious thought occurs to me: Is my body really the source of my pain? Or could it be my thinking?

My whole body answers and spasms as the needle enters my tonsil. In an instant, pain hockey-sticks from none to unbearable. There’s a rising panic; every last cell in my body rushing for the exit — this chair, the room, the planet. Fuckfuckfuck! I can’t do this!!

Then, a lingering echo of my questions nudges into the rising panic, redirecting my attention for a moment. I look within and upstream towards the headwaters of my experience: groping, I suppose, for a shutoff valve.