My Barbarian Ways Aren’t Behind Me
Angus just left the room in a snit. Blaming me for his pesky woes. The nattering of my mind buzzes as I try to empty it. The feelings are filling me to the top of my capacity. I am full, not empty. I am stuffed, not zen. I am spilling over with emotion. It is oozing out of my seams. Squishy and gushy. Feelings all over the place. I hurt. I am bruised. I ache. I am pulped.
I hate it when he gets cranky. I hate it when he blames me. I hate it, and I hate him. I feel guilty because it feels like it is my fault. I push the complaint away with my vociferous rejections. Please don’t be mad at me is what I am saying, but it isn’t sugar-coated. It is more of a f*#$ you, and I will incinerate you with my words if you don’t back down mother f*#$er!
I am not proper and ladylike. Screeching and hollering are for the less evolved and the youth. But the instincts run strong. The instinct to annihilate. The instinct to decimate. The instinct to desecrate. The instinct to survive.
When you lob a bomb at me. I immediately want to lob one back. I feel hurt.
Sometimes I have the lofty perspective of sitting up on high, and I recognize he is but a mere mortal and suffering. Then I have no desire to destroy him. When I see his display of angst is no more than a trivial ripple in consciousness that will only permeate the airwaves temporarily, I don’t feel diabolically crazed. I am more demure and patient.
But when I lose perspective and feel the threat of the incendiary, I am ready to fight. I am ready to bear arms. I am ready to double down and show you my character of steel. Let me not deceive you. My barbarian ways are not behind me. I grapple with them daily. Zany as it might sound. I am constantly shunting and punting my humanity. Kicking it around like a football. Get out of the way you human form. Take your feelings with you. I don’t want to be left holding the bag.
Feelings be gone! Damn you! Stop turning my head into a tizzy. It is a spinning merry-go-round I want to get off of. As it spins the calendar pages fly away taking me back to my youngest memories.
The pit is dark and deep. The craggy beast that lies within likes to yawn and stretch before sinking in its teeth. The fear I have is that this monster is me. It is putrid and foul, but it is my nature. I am a beast not of burden, but of power. Fueled by an infinite source that I am afraid of.
I misunderstand the dark energy. It means no trouble.
“There is no harm,’’ I stutter madly to myself.
This streak of black within my soul is true and right. It is meant to be there. It is not a mistake or an opportunity for improvement. This blackline perceived as evil is the emptiness. It is the void, an infinite abyss. Let me slip down the crack of it.
Let my mushy, liquid, human form slide away down the side of darkness so I can melt into eternity never to be seen again. Until I am reborn in the next moment squeaky clean, shiny, and new.
“I am back,’’ she says with a smile on her face as if nothing ever happened.
If you would like to listen to the Rewilding Love Podcast, it comes out in serial format. Start with Episode 1 for context. Click here to listen. And, if you would like to dive deeper into the understanding I share along with additional support please check out the Rewilding Community.
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Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couples’ intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.