Understanding the difference between Agreement and Agreeableness

You Don’t Have to Agree to Be Agreeable

I saw this sentence in a post recently; it struck a chord with me. A loud chord, I might add… I knew I had to write about it soon, and then this happened…

I spent time, yesterday, with an old friend of mine who I love, we’ve been like family for many years. I was shocked at how disagreeable I found her to be, not unlike my experience of her in the past. Yet, I was never bothered by it, knowing that she has this edge, where her opinion reminds me of the term: “separate realities”. I can love her anyway.

Reflecting upon this phrase: “You Don’t Have to Agree to Be Agreeable” made me wonder if her prickly demeanor might have factored into the demise of her past relationships, including a recent one with a man she considered her soulmate. Let’s face it, if you're single or remember being single — how often have you encountered a potential romantic interest who checks your compatibility boxes and triggers a whirlpool of emotions?

Learning about my friend’s experience made me wonder — If she had understood how to listen without judgment, expectation, or the desire to share her unsolicited viewpoints, could their relationship have been saved?

Being agreeable is an emotional state while agreeing is an action

This difference is often misconstrued. Agreeability is about attempting to understand another’s worldview. It does not mean you agree with their point of view.

So-called “truth” varies from person to person because our thoughts are influenced by our personal experiences and interpretations of those experiences. Essentially we have each learned how to think about ourselves and the world around us, throughout our lifetime. We have not always learned what was good for us, however. People often learn negative things about themselves that are not true. The good news is that we can also learn that our thoughts are a figment of reality, they are not reality.

“Whatever you think is truth, you’re wrong” Sydney Banks, from ‘The Great Illusion’ video

What may seem right to one might look wrong to another. And for those of you familiar with the teachings of the late Sydney Banks, you will recognize that he was most likely referring to the fact that we have the power to think (the Principle of Thought) however, the content of what we think is totally up for grabs and at the interpretation of the thinker’s perspective.

The fact THAT we think is a constant for everyone; whereas, WHAT we think is determined by how we each use our ability to think in every moment, which is fluid. That is a huge distinction

In other words, the power to think is a constant for everyone, but the content of what we think is subjective.

Is your opinion valuable to you or the person you are with?

Now, this can be tricky because we (our ego) may think our opinion is valuable to the other person — but have they asked for it? I have learned the hard way and also from the gentle teachings of Syd Banks that offering my perspective when it wasn’t solicited is like putting my hand in a tiger’s cage — done that, been bit, won’t do it again!

Offering unsolicited viewpoints can lead to conflicts. Disagreements can also arise when a person seeks your opinion with the intent to belittle it. I’ve faced such situations and have grown to just listen, with curiosity and the desire to understand how the speaker sees their world, to the best of my ability. There is no reason to agree with them and if it gives the speaker the feeling that you are naive; well guess what? That’s their thinking at that particular moment, not the absolute truth.

Please don’t misunderstand, there are times when people genuinely want to know your opinion when they ask. I’m not trying to promote distrust.

If you are asked for your opinion during a heart-to-heart discussion — hats off to that person! By all means share it with a kind-hearted preface, ie: “The way it looks to me… or the way I think about it… Beginning with something like that as a way to say that you are open to seeing it another way, is not just to be gracious we have much to gain when we are open to seeing things in a new way. This is true, especially for romantic couples and co-parents.

We can always look in the direction of gratitude

We can be grateful that we know something about quieting our mind enough to be present with someone even if they don’t know how to listen to us in a quiet mind. It feels better to be grateful rather than disappointed. We can feel grateful to have this person in our lives simply because they are there with us in the best way they know how to, at this point.

We can be thankful for the ability to be present in the moment with someone, regardless of their inability to reciprocate the same attentiveness. This avoids disappointment and nurtures a more positive feeling.

Deep listening is the key

Deep listening, also known as Vertical Listening, Heartfelt Listening, Generous Listening, and Listening for Connection, is not “Reflective Listening” or “Active Listening.” You might say it’s more like inactive listening, receptive to understanding the speaker’s point of view, which will draw the speaker into a quiet state of reflection where they can solve their problems much more effectively than anyone else can.

If the listener is reflecting on what the speaker is saying that is way too much thinking for the listener. Deep Listening requires the listener to be as quiet-minded as possible with nothing on their mind. They just want to be in a state of open curiosity to understand the worldview that the speaker is attempting to communicate.

This way of listening has circled the globe a few times because it is so helpful to the speaker, it connects people like nothing else can!

My colleague and co-facilitator, Stef Cybichowski was recently in Prague speaking at a Listening Summit. I am writing to you now from Copenhagen where I will co-facilitate a 3-day PDL (Perfecting Deep Listening) with Dr. Jack Pransky soon. No one will ever be perfect at it, but the desire to be as quiet and as deep a listener as possible is the point. 24 people in Copenhagen and another group of 24 in Sweden the following week.

Listening has been spoken and written about through the ages, and now we know so much more than we ever did before:

St. Francis of Assisi:

Grant that I should seek rather to understand than to be understood.

Stephen Covey:

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

Feel free to get in touch if you’re interested in our next ‘Deep Listening’ Webinar on 9/12/24, and our ‘Finding Deep Connection’ Course.

Reflecting on the inspiration behind this article, I can’t help but wonder if my friend’s relationship failed because she wasn’t equipped with the understanding of deep listening. I truly believe that this minor change could have saved her relationship.

What are your thoughts? Please leave comments, questions, etc in the comment section.

Thank you!