Listen — It’s Not About You

TL;DR

• We’re usually shit at listening to people
• Being better listeners is great for our relationships
• Use “Yes And”, building the conversation off the last thing the person said
• Show genuine interest in what the other person is saying
• Ask questions

Too often you may have found yourself in a conversation where you suddenly realise “I have no idea what they were just talking about”. You remember the topic, but as soon as the other person started speaking, you begun figuring out the point that you wanted to make as soon as there was a break in their sentence.

If you’re observing a conversation like this between other people, you find yourself listening to a bunch of individual points that don’t relate much to each other, often with countless interruptions. If you wrote down what was said it would look pretty meaningless.

We need to be better at listening

When we become better listeners conversations start to make much more sense. More importantly it’s super beneficial to you and your relationships:

• You are likely to become more respected by the other person in the conversation
• People will like you more
• You can say less and be considered more interesting
• You will remember more about the person’s interests, and be able to engage with them easier in the future
• You will not be that dick who keeps trying to talk about themselves
• With more information you can make better decisions in life, if you’re not listening you’re not gaining any new information
• You will enjoy the conversations more when you pay attention and invest in them

Yes And

In improvised comedy there’s a principle called “Yes And”. It’s about listening to what your scene partner just said, agreeing with the premise they just established and adding something constructive to it e.g.

Player 1: “Harry, you’re back from the war, thank god you’re safe!”

Player 2: “Doris, what are you talking about, I’ve been working in the mines as usual”

This is not “Yes And” the second player has discarded the world built up by the first, where they have just come back safe from war, and established themselves as a miner instead. Watching scenes where the players don’t “Yes And” end up being very confusing, disjointed and often have no substance to them. Done with “Yes And”:

Player 1: “Harry, you’re back from the war, thank god you’re safe!”

Player 2: “Yes Doris, I’m back, and it was the thought of you that kept me surviving”

Here is an example of “Yes And”, the second player has accepted the reality established before and added some detail. Now we know how much both the characters care about each other, and have more of a platform to build off.

“Yes And” only works when both participants are listening and building off what was last said. You can use this technique outside of improvised comedy to be better at listening and improve the conversations you have. Try to extend conversations off the last thing the person just said. You don’t have to agree with the point they make, “Yes And” is about agreeing with the reality (in our case, what the conversation is about) and adding substance.

Don’t ignore the last statement

When using “Yes And”, it’s important to do it off the last thing the person said, not the statement before that. Otherwise you’re just plain out ignoring them. And people will notice that.

Player 1: “Harry, you’re back from the war, thank god you’re safe!”

Player 2: “Yes Doris, I’m back, and it was the thought of you that kept me surviving”

Player 1: “I’m so glad you didn’t forget me, I was worried the stress of war would drive me from your mind”

Player 2: “And now that I’m back I intend to start a new war, here in Los Angeles!”

In this example we get a lovely “Yes And” from player one, about being worried she would be forgotten. However player 2 ignores this offer and carries on as if they’re talking directly after their previous statement. This is a more subtle way of ignoring “Yes And”. As on the surface it looks like they are doing “Yes And” by talking about war, but they completely ignored what player 1 had added in their second statement.

In real conversations it can be hard to comment on the last statement that was said. Sometimes we don’t have anything to say, or expected the conversation to go somewhere else. That’s where questions come to the rescue.

Show genuine interest, ask questions

When people see you showing genuine interest in what they’re saying their respect of you will likely skyrocket. It’s lovely for other people to find you interesting. So find others interesting in return.

This can be hard, you may know nothing about the subject or are just super bored. If leaving the conversation is not an option then you need a way to make the conversation more interesting.

The solution here is to ask questions about the last thing the person said. Think of something that you find intriguing or confusing and ask about it. Not only will you learn something new, it’s a great way to enjoy the conversation more. And the other person may notice how much interest you’re showing in what they’re saying.

Make it not about you

To sum up, stop thinking about your own agenda, pay attention to what others are saying, go off the last statement they made and ask lot’s of question. You’ll have more enjoyable conversations and develop better relationships.

Footnote

I’m writing to improve the way I think about and communicate ideas. Please give me some feedback on this post at contact@charliejackson.com. And join my email newsletter here to keep up to date.