It’s Not About Wins or Losses, It’s About Making Your Friends Cry

Oh, fantasy football, how I love you!

Doing mock drafts, finding sleepers, “friendly” competition, the chance to win money. It’s all great, but nothing about fantasy football is better than the excuse to mercilessly mock your friends.

Beating them head to head is not enough, though. No, it’s just as important to break their spirits with hilarious trash talk.

From August until December you have a built in reason to be a jackass to all your buddies. What follows is some of the best ways to make sure your friends remember, forever, the week they played you.

1st Down

Everyone loves funny team names. But how many times can you see the old, played out puns every year?

Show me your TDs, Suck a Vick, The Dab Newtons… all classics; but why not spice it up and make it personal this year?

For some reason in my league, we love to pick on our buddy, Phil.

Phuck Phil, Phil’s Mom, Phallichead Phil were all some of the names. Beating that guy felt even better knowing he lost to a team designed to make fun of him.

It also gave him a chance to shove it in our face when he kicked our behinds. (Damn you David Johnson!)

2nd Down

What good is it to make fun of your friend if every else in the league can’t laugh at them?

A group chat is a necessity.

Whether it’s a group text message or a forum on the league’s homepage. Make sure you embarrass your opponent in front of everyone.

3rd Down

Every week is a new target. Whoever you’re playing that week, haunt them.

Send ’em an embarrassing photo and mock them if your D scores more than their QB.

Let the league know from week 1 til the end of the season just how much better you are than everyone else

Mock their wardrobe, their taste in partners, their ugly mug, anything you know that will get under the skin is perfect.

Which leads us perfectly to 4th down.

4th Down

Trash talk etiquette is important. Just like real football, there are some unwritten rules you just don’t break.

Crappy picks — fair game.

Scoring under 40 points in a week — kick their ass for me.

A friend is short and has a team full of Amendolas and Sproles? Perfect ammo.

Real insecurities — flag on the play.

Fantasy football trash talk is no reason to lose a friend. Most likely, you’re in a group with some of your oldest and closest friends. You know them intimately and vice versa, being a dick head and trying to play it off as a joke isn’t cool.

It also sets you up for major punishment.

I’ve found that the best trash talk is a mix of relevant jokes about their team that also reveal their personality. Like your short friend, or your ultra conservative friend who makes sure to get the best kicker and defense in like the 6th round.

Or, be like Ruxin (for those of you that love The League) and use a vulgar thesaurus and throw everyone adjective at the book at ’em. As long as the book doesn’t hit below the belt.

Wrapping Up Your Trash Talk!

If you just happen to be the commissioner in your league, it’s even better.

You have the ultimate power.

You can even mess around with team names in some leagues (but be a pro, don’t actually touch people’s team names).

August isn’t far away, get to practicing your trash talk! For all the rest of your fantasy needs, LTFF has you covered!