Do we have a choice?

Have you ever found yourself in confusion, thinking & analyzing what to do and what not, pondering over the choices that seem to present themselves in front of you?

I guess we all go through phases in life when life presents us with situations where we begin to wonder what should I do or what should I choose. And the clever mind traps us in a never ending internal dialogue with the self where we are constantly analyzing and re analyzing options, comparing them to our own past experiences, memories of stories we have heard from elders, comparing them to our long held desires to see if they will be fulfilled, considering carefully to see if our so called ‘chosen action’ will give us the necessary security that we have been craving, be it financial or emotional. We then judge our choices as right and wrong and then make the so called ‘ right’ choice….LOL !

The problem with this is —

a. Its too taxing for our minds to go through all this for hours on end.

b. The analysing never seems to come to an end. &

c. We keep repeating the same thoughts, reconsidering our decisions several times even after taking it.

And for some of us, our egos usually tell us ‘Once you have taken a decision, don’t ever look back’ and this seems to be the ultimate guideline for our life that no matter what, I will stick to my decision thus making us numb and insensitive to respond appropriately to the call of time.

For the so called ‘ weaker’ ones amongst us, we keep convincing ourselves several times to ‘think positive’. So the mind tells us ‘ try to see all the ‘good’ things about this situation and see what you have and compare it with the rest of them who don’t have as much as you do and so consider yourself to be fortunate’. This kind of internal dialogue helps us carry on with life but in a state of constant inner battle finally leading to discontentment. So ultimately in both the above cases the ego finds self gratification and the mind finds ways to do that.

What happens in living like that is that we lose the spirit to live freely. I tried living like that for many years of my life and finally understood that I was shutting doors to life and not allowing it to free flow through me.

The reality is that we all have a ‘ sense of self’ a kind of self identity or an image about the self that we hold on to in our minds and somewhere find ways to always gratify that self image in all life situations and through all relationships so that we can ‘feel good’.

Also what happens is that, that sense of self image that we have been holding on to seldom remains the same and is bound to change with time and hence we end up behaving differently from what we had been doing before to modify our actions in a way that again helps to gratify the ‘current’ image of the self. For Eg : in my early years of life I considered myself to be an independent woman who would always live life her way. Money and career were of utmost importance for me and most of my decisions involved giving priority to these over anything else.

When I turned 20 I came in contact with several spiritual organizations and teachings and these helped me understand my self a bit more in depth. Suddenly and gradually many of my beliefs about myself and life changed and I started to feel that independence is to be ‘emotionally independent’. I looked at myself as a ‘spiritually mature’ person who was not interested in material gains but real happiness for me was to ‘give happiness to others’ or ‘to help others by sharing spiritual knowledge’. Practices like celibacy, vegetarianism, regular satsang(discourse) etc became extremely important in my life as they provided gratification to my self image and other things like relationships, friends, travel, play, music and several things I had enjoyed as a child began to take a backseat.

Soon life came to a point when I started to feel empty inside and I noticed some of my long held beliefs started to fall apart drastically changing my ‘self image’ and thus influencing some of the major decisions of my life. And here I am as I write this to you, freelancing, enjoying sharing honestly, respecting my own feelings for my partner and acknowledging that, enjoying the company of friends, travelling and yet meditating daily. So which one of these is ‘me’ really and how long will it be before beliefs change again?

As I write this, I am also questioning myself and urge you to do the same. Can we ever make ‘perfect or right decisions’? Is the answer to ‘ who am I’ ever fixed? Is there only one right thing for us?

I know of a couple of friends who do not shop at malls and supermarkets but prefer buying veggies and groceries from the local small shops to promote the ‘local people’ and in turn help in promoting the ‘local economy’. When I first heard that I was awed by the noble idea and thought it was brilliant and was almost convinced that I should stop shopping at the supermarkets too. But later I began to question when I heard from the same friend the term ‘universal consciousness’. When we consider ourselves beings of the universe and same with others, then where is the question of ‘local’ vs. ‘global’.

This is not to suggest that we do not appreciate what is ‘local’ or not that shopping at the supermarkets is so much better than the local stores as it feels good but just to point out that we can never fix ourselves on one thing saying this is ‘the right way’ and reject the other as ‘wrong or unethical’ or whatever.

Also what I have come to understand is that the mind is extremely manipulative and has the capacity of turning every so called ‘wrong’ into ‘right’ for the sake of self gratification. Why else do we need courts? Both parties only argue to prove themselves ‘right’. The truth is whatever is happening and the way in which it is happening is always ‘accurate’ because it is destined to be that way and so where is the margin for questions?

The universe has its own way of restoring natural balance and harmony in the world and makes us instruments for the same. So its like a large play where we have villains, heroes and heroines et all. Everyone plays their own part as directed and yet each one is equally important to complete the play and draw the story to its desired conclusion. The actors in the play do not have a choice about the parts they play and in just understanding this simple truth, they become instruments for putting the play together.

Similarly with life….look at it as one huge play on the world stage, universe itself directing it, leading it to natural harmony and balance and in the process flowing through us making each one of us heroes, heroines and villains at some point in our lives with different people. Have you ever noticed how our decisions influence different people differently? Some of the decisions we take can make some people very happy (so we become their heroes) and some very sad (making us villains for them).

Because that’s the way life is. At that point the ones who are happy are meant to feel happiness and the ones who are sad are meant to suffer, both are necessary bits in the total collective evolution of consciousness and so it is not about our decision as an individual but about how life has placed us at the most appropriate place for collective good. In fact we are not the ‘doers’ nor are we the ‘choosers’, it only appears so and it is the greatest illusion.

When life needs us to act in a certain way, we have those kinds of thoughts, circumstances and people that propel us to act in that manner. Later in life many times we may repent our own actions or take pride about them. But the fact is that we didn’t do them. They just happened. And so where is the question of pride or repentance?

Hence I resonate with a quote by a wise man which says ‘ there are no mistakes ever, but only learnings’. Every step in life, every experience, every situation, every relationship, every decision, every act of ours as well as others that influence us, is a step towards restoring the universal balance and a step towards evolution of human consciousness which is again natural.

So as we step towards the new story, of being our most authentic selves, as we are automatically a part of evolution of human consciousness, let us enjoy the sacredness of life itself, living it fully every moment and allowing it to flow through us naturally without resisting, repenting, fearing or taking pride about anything. Also the next time you have the thought ‘ Did I do the right thing’? don’t try and answer it with your mind, as It is futile to do so, just trust the universe to give you answers and lead the way. Its nice to question and let the answers come to us rather than finding answers. Enjoy !