Protect & Nurture your Self Esteem — It’s your only companion till the end!
“Who is the one who will be with me till the end”?, a curious teenager once asked his Dad. He was referring to the fact that people die or go away. He had recently seen his granddad passing away and was pained by the incident. He started to wonder — who will really be with me till the end? To this his father replied thoughtfully — “No one. Just your sense of self — worth. That is the only thing that will accompany you to the grave and will also determine how you experience life to be”.
Very often in the modern times we hear of people becoming victims to this disease called ‘depression’. Recently, a middle aged woman in my neighborhood, who is a seemingly healthy person blessed with a wonderful family — 2 sons, daughters- In — law and 2 very cute grandchildren was diagnosed with severe depression. The family and all of us were aghast and did not know how to react. We asked the doctor — ‘How can this be possible’? She seems to have everything in place. To this the doctor replied, “Yes, everything is fine with her except for her self- esteem which is very low’.
This made me reflect on this term and why is it so crucial to our well — being. According to Wikipedia, Self- esteem is an individual’s subjective evaluation of their own worth. Self- esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself like — “I am unloved” as well as emotional states, such as triumph, despair, pride and shame. In psychology, the term self — esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self — worth or personal value.
There can be many reasons for feeling low about oneself. On the surface there may appear to be several factors affecting our self- esteem but in reality, it depends upon what we base it. For all of us, our sense of identities and self — worth is dependent on something external. We feel powerful when we are able to control things around us or when things unfold in a fashion that makes us feel that they are in accordance with our desires- the way I want things to be, thus, cushioning our sense of self — worth.
Usually self — esteem is dependent on — family, the quality of relationships, our roles, positions in society, career growth, financial status, physical well — being etc. Irrespective of what we base our sense of self- worth on, it is absolutely necessary to be aware of it.
Below are the 4 factors which are the pillars of our self — esteem -
1. Self -Awareness & Self — Care
2. Self- Responsibility & Integrity
3. Living Purposefully
4. Continuous Evolution & Growth
Self- Awareness& Self — Care:– Self — Awareness is more than just being aware of ourselves or knowing our strengths and weaknesses on a surface level. To me self — awareness is the ability to understand what is it that makes me feel truly powerful. Our self- esteem is dependent on our sense of power because it is the foundation for our confidence and trust in ourselves. Hence, asking ourselves, ‘What is it that makes me feel powerful?’ will give us insights into our own psyche.
Power could mean different things to different people — for some it could mean being accepted by everyone around them, for some it could mean material gain, for some it could mean having a cordial relationship with their spouses or bosses, while for others it could simply mean a sense of freedom and independence. Identifying what makes us feel powerful is the key. Having identified our source of power, it is important to ensure that it is taken care of. This is self — care. For instance — If I feel powerful in being financially independent, I must ensure that I always organize my life in a way that allows me financial independence. Whether that means having an open conversation with my spouse about my needs or re organizing my schedule or making arrangements with extended family or care providers to care for my children while I am away at work, I need to ensure that my need to be financially independent is not just met but is sustained and nurtured.
From a spiritual point of view, many may argue that this is kind of insane because making our self — esteem dependent on anything external is only going to create further problems because it deludes us from reality. As a student of spirituality and a life — long seeker, I completely agree that the real source of power is within and ideally our self — esteem should be based on the awareness of the real ‘I’ which is our true self rather than on anything external.
However, I have also discovered that the journey within begins only when we are at a certain level of acceptance. For instance — if a person is hungry and starving, all he needs is food in order to satisfy his hunger. No amount of spiritual knowledge or meditation can help him at that point of time. Similarly, identifying our external source of power (and we all have some) and ensuring it is cared for satisfies the psychological hunger in us — the craving to feel good. When our ego is taken care of at this level, we become more open and willing to go deeper and evolve. It is only when we feel completely confident at one level that we become ready to move on to the next level. Hence, as ironical as it may sound, we can only truly destroy the ego by nurturing and feeding it at one level. This is a form of self- care.
Another analogy that comes to my mind is that of a young and ambitious millennial versus a contented retired individual who has done exceptionally well in his life and career. The retired person is completely content as he feels he has had a grand life, enjoyed all pleasures, achieved everything that he aimed to achieve and has lived purposefully with integrity. He is much more open to letting go than a young millennial who is still striving for social recognition. This is because the older individual has satisfied his psychological hunger and is now ready to look at deeper things in life and embark on an inner journey which is deeper and richer.
Much in the same way, it is only when our external sources of power are completely taken care of, we build a strong foundation for our self — esteem from where we are in a position to progress and evolve further.
Here is a short exercise that will help us identify our source of power –
1. What makes me feel truly powerful?
2. What makes me feel independent?
3. What is it that when satisfied, makes me feel content?
4. If I have to choose my battles, what is the one thing I will always choose to protect/defend?
5. Which of the following matter most to me — career, family, money, health?
6. What are the factors that satisfy my emotional needs such as — my need for recognition, my need to feel loved, my need to feel cared for, my sense of belongingness etc.
The answer/ answers to the above question will point us towards identifying our sources of power. Once we have done that, it is extremely important to ensure that that source is take care of. Here is an invitation to reflect on this question and create a plan to incorporate the source of power into your life.
The second pillar of a solid self –esteem is Self- responsibility and integrity. These are undoubtedly 2 factors that make us extremely powerful. When we feel responsible, we are automatically in power. The moment we feel that it is not our responsibility, there is a loss of power. Someone rightly said that with great power comes great responsibility. While this is very true, it comes across more like a moral science preaching which says that people in power should be acting more responsibly. The question here is — what about MY responsibility? I strongly advocate the reverse of the above statement which is — With great responsibility comes great power. So, the mantra to feel powerful is to act with complete responsibility. We are all 100 % responsible for the choices we make and hence are responsible for the consequences we face as a result of those choices. We are responsible for the thoughts we create about the situations in our life and hence responsible for the way we feel about them. Hence, accepting complete responsibility for our lives and the way we feel about it automatically catapults us to a place of power where we become the masters of our lives rather than being victims to it.
Many times responsibility is confused with fault and we keep fretting about the fact that we have to go through unpleasant life experiences for no fault of ours. Recently, there was a conflict in my family between my Dad and an uncle and his entire family (including my cousins with whom I had grown up) stopped responding positively to our messages and attempts to resolve issues. They chose to completely withdraw and stop all forms of communication. For a while, I felt like a victim, full of self-pity that why do I have to face the consequences of a tiff in which I was not involved. It was surely not my fault. But I soon realized that while I was not at fault, I was surely responsible for the situation. Something had gone wrong and I was responsible for my feelings and my responses to that situation. I had chosen to respond like a victim rather than like a master. I had the choice to be a master and resolve it or to just let it be — either ways there was a choice. Even in not making a choice, I was still making a choice — the choice to NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Whatever I choose, the point is that I ALWAYS have a choice. When we recognize this and consciously make a choice, we act with responsibility and thus, feel powerful.
Many times we are faced with choices that are not at all in coherence with what we would like them to be. It is precisely in these times that we also realize that life has its own flow and reality is very different from an ideal mental imagination. Situations like these allow us to stay grounded and in tune with reality. We also understand that we need to make conscious efforts to achieve desired results — and this is equally applicable in every aspect of life. So, instead of saying — “Life has been unfair to me”, we understand that life is just as it is. We may like some parts of it and may not like some parts and that is completely ok. Thus, we need to strengthen the pillar of self — responsibility if we need to feel powerful which then forms the foundation on which our self — esteem is built.
Along with complete responsibility, comes integrity. According to psychologist and writer Nathaniel Branden, Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs and behavior. When our behavior is congruent with our professed values and when ideals and practice match up, we have integrity.
Here are a few questions that may help us take more self — responsibility and act with integrity –
1. Do I have a choice to change the way I feel about this situation?
2. What choices should I be making so that I can help myself feel better?
3. Am I acting true to my conscience?
4. Is my choice of action in coherence with my values?
5. What are my deepest values that I hold very dear?
The 3rd pillar is about living purposefully. As human beings, we all have the need to live true to our purpose. Our sense of purpose comes from being able to live meaningfully and in a manner that will bring benefit to others. It is very natural to set goals and want to achieve them. As we begin to achieve our goals, we feel a sense of purpose and this feeling strengthens our self — esteem. For many of us, we discover our real purpose during this journey of achieving our goals. Our goal to study, to have a family, to start a new business, to build a career, to solve a problem etc. — whatever our goals maybe, if they lead us forward, they exercise our faculties and energize our existence. Our sense of self — esteem thus is dependent on how well we have achieved the goals we set for ourselves and how purposeful and beneficial those goals have been.
We have all noticed that there are times in life when we are working very hard, working round the clock, burning the midnight oil to achieve something and are still fresh and energetic. It is because we find a sense of purpose in achieving those goals and hence the efforts that go into achieving them make us feel very satisfied and gratified. Just like athletes who train for the Olympics or models who train for beauty pageants work very hard and still feel good. This is because achieving what we have set as goals for ourselves, strengthens our identities and makes us feel powerful, thus, in turn, strengthening our self — esteem.
Thus, it is important to ensure that we achieve the goals we set for ourselves and set realistic and achievable goals that can boost our self — esteem and our overall sense of well — being.
Lastly, the 4th pillar of self — esteem is to grow and evolve continuously. All human beings are meant to grow and evolve naturally. But it is when we create our lives in such a way that we can keep learning and growing continuously, we feel energized and enthusiastic. Our learning agility and continuous growth makes us feel powerful and hence, strengthens our self — esteem.
Therefore, we must ensure that we are constantly making progress in every sphere of life. If we feel stagnated, it is important to allow some reflection and take corrective measures to keep progressing in life. Whether it is a job, a relationship that is toxic or a health problem that is bothering us, we cannot afford to remain stagnant with anything. When we begin to notice stagnation in any field of life, it is time to change course, to consider an alternate option, to act differently and to get the energy flowing. This will help restore and build our self — esteem.
Thus, our sense of self — worth and our self — esteem are the only assets that would always remain with us till the very end. They are our companions to the grave and hence we must protect and nurture them.
