“Guilt-Free” Trader Joe’s Vegetarian Pizza for One is a Liar
Girl discusses unhealthy food and it’s hilariously endearing/overplayed
Having my own kitchenette, including a refrigerator shorter than my 63” frame, is simultaneously both freeing and condemning. Like the TSA agent who insisted my mother not cut the Customs line on our trip home from a destination wedding in 2008 (“You give someone a LIIIIITTLE power!……” in outraged-Jewish-mother-tone), I have allowed this liberty to inflate my ego. Trader Joe’s Treks are the highlight of my weeks. Surveillance footage of that store during my excursions must look like particularly offensive/successful episodes of Super Market Sweep.
I struck gold when I accidentally bought sour cream and onion flavored cheese puffs. I died, went to heaven, and fell back down to Earth at my first bite of a Petite Cocoa Baton. But Guilt-Free Vegetarian Pizza for one? You deceptive hussy. Since I ate you (in less than 3 minutes), I’ve experienced nothing BUT guilt! The mountain of diced eggplant atop your pools of tomato sauce and sparse cheese shavings were a disappointment. Seriously. But that’s just me projecting. In fact, the only disappointment I harbor is for myself. I ate you in my bed while writing a short story about eye sex on a Chicago “L” train. And what did I expect? A bed without crumbs in it? That’s exactly what I expected! I thought I might take a bite of one of the several pieces I sliced you into and write a few more sentences, and then dive right into my next bite, but NO. I pretty much treated you like one, large, pizza-for-one-sized bite. And, in the words of Fletcher Reede in Liar Liar as portrayed by Jim Carrey, “I’ve had better.”
Bitterly yours (or rather, you were mine),
Samantha E. Miller
