Dear inexplicable

it’s always explicable.

You know how I keep those journals? I’ve written everything in them- since I was 17. You’ve been a bit of a theme the last 3 years. With surprising similarity in my thoughts and understanding about you, and about our friendship throughout time. Yes- our- plural and possessive. And also yes- friendship- despite my best efforts to be something else, and my quest to figure out why it didn’t or couldn’t move past that.

Why you never felt the same way, why you didn’t want to at least try, why you’ve haven’t (to my knowledge) dated anyone else, and why you’ve never included me in your life or given me the ability to contextualise your behaviour.

That last one I find the most difficult.

Do you realise I genuinely have no idea how you define our friendship? How can I, if you never tell me? And of course, the more we speak or hang out the more I think about it. You know how I get about these things. Too much thinking, as it were.

And I’m sorry for that. And for ending and starting and ending and starting our friendship. It wasn’t fair, and I’m grateful you were able to get past the crazy and be a source of stability. Even if that support wasn’t always coming from you directly at the time, the thoughts or thought processes I attributed to you (rightly or wrongly) have been invaluable.

It was a week or so ago when I (finally) realised we are supremely different people and the answers to those questions are no longer necessary. The experiences we’ve shared — and will share — do not have to be anything more or less than exactly what they are.

So thank you for your friendship. This sounds like a eulogy of some kind, but I really just wanted to let you know you’ve had a profound effect on who I am, and how I look at and interpret information. Wherever you are, and whenever it is, I will endeavour to be that same stability.