Dear London
you know that feeling of home? You’ve never given me that.
You know that feeling of home? You've never given me that.
You’re cold and unpleasant. Distant and aggressive. You chew people up and spit them back out and you are unapologetic about it. And it’s not just you. Your people — inhabitants, rather — are the same. Repressed and suppressed. Generally unwilling to give those around them a chance.
You make it exceptionally difficult to be here and to appreciate you. Despite attempts to adapt, I do not feel like I belong. Rather, you make me feel lost. I’m a bit more sarcastic, a bit more dry, a bit more negative, but still a bit too enthusiastic. I've changed enough to not fit into my own past, but not enough to fit into your future.
Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is what being a Londoner is. But, I’m telling you that a feeling of disgruntlement and loneliness has a certain omnipresence in my life. That I’m in a constant — if miniature — existential crisis.
Is that who you want me to be? What you want normal to mean?
Together we've listened to amazing musicians, seen truly incredible shows and sat in awe of phenomenal pieces of art. Through you, I've made meaningful and lasting friendships. You've helped me figure out what I care about and who I want to be. I've seen more of the world than I ever expected. Yet somehow, these meaningful and extraordinary experiences have faded into your greyness. Like the sun behind the clouds, I can no longer feel their warmth.
You still regularly catch me off guard, and my internal dialogue whispers “wow. London. I’m in London.” Yet, I am looking forward to the next chapter.
I want to be essentially the same person, but in a different environment. A constructive environment. I want to surround myself with different people, places, and activities. I want to take our memories, internalise them, learn from them and move past them.
Indeed, it is time for me to move on and to make room for someone new to enter your streets. Maybe the next person will get you like I never did. Maybe you’ll embrace him or her like you never did me. Not only will the sun come out from behind the clouds, but you’ll reveal a rainbow too.
You've changed me, and I will never forget you. You, however, will soon forget me. I will fade away into the pavement and the buildings. And you? You will still be grey.
