A Thousand Points of Nipple Delight

Last weekend, I took a much needed trip to Barcelona where I could disconnect, sink my toes deep into the sand and breath a long salty Mediterranean breathe. But the day of my arrival lent itself to some rather odd adventures when my luggage failed to arrive onto the sluggish carousel. Slightly disappointed, knowing my ill-fitting bikini lay dormant within, I grabbed my handbag and took to the beach.

Now, you might be wondering why I made a beeline to the beach when my suit was traipsing around Europe. The beauty of Spain is that clothing is optional. The body is celebrated in all of its full, and very awkward, glory. Scars are flaunted, beer bellies are revealed and breasts fly free, including my own. Tossing my sweaty cotton attire to the wayside, my underwear and I sauntered directly into the water where we remained for the better part of an hour in pure ecstasy.

Unfortunately, what Mommy didn’t consider was that she hadn’t nursed for the better part of six hours, turning her breasts into fiercely exploding bags of lactose.


To be honest, I simply wasn’t aware that my breasts could accomplish such a feat, nor did I realize that nipples were so versatile! Why is this never covered in one’s anatomy class?! A little footnote stating, “Beware: nipples can blind innocent beach-goers if not handled with care,” would have been courteous, followed by, “The large hole in the middle of your nipple is a decoy. Be conscious that it has over a dozen secret spots where milk can shoot out with laser like precision”. And secondarily, what does one DO when milk turns into a thousands points of milky light and you have no way of relieving the situation? Without a baby or pump, I was stranded!! Where’s that chapter in the million and one pregnancy and baby rearing books?

My shirt drenched in both salt water and milk, I sprint to the nearest restroom while cursing the heavens that you’re back in Porto with a fabricated bottle in hand.

Jesus, could this really be the only way to handle this, I think. There’s seriously got to be a better way.

Resigned to my fate, I crouch over mauve colored toilet seat, convinced my aim would be considerably better, and pull my right nipple. Following a short pause, a wave of milk bursts forward, but not into the toilet. No, instead it blankets the walls, floor and mirror beside me. Horrified, I lean farther into the toilet, “logically” believing that this will solve the problem, which only blinds myself and the wood paneled ceiling above me.

Your mother will never be a dairy farmer.

Life Lesson:

Sweetheart, your body is one of the most amazing creations in the world. Right now, it’s developing, changing and growing at a rate you can’t even fathom — each and every atom, molecule and electron is working overtime to help you evolve into adulthood. Just think, the muscles that control your eyes contract about 100,000 times a day, the equivalent to your legs running a marathon! Dude, that’s freaking incredible!

Unfortunately, much of society feels uncomfortable talking about the parts of your body that invoke sexual arousal, such as your breasts, nipples, penis, etc. Even during pregnancy, conversations tend to get awkward whenever these parts are spoken of, which is often!

Don’t fall into this trap. Every single aspect of your body is equal — physically, morally and otherwise. The fact that no one ever told me that my breasts can do this, or how to resolve it, is dumbfounding. That said, you will have zillions of similar experiences throughout your own life, regardless of age. Each and every body is different, so there will be physical experiences that are unique to you. This is awesome! Embrace it! Celebrate it! Enjoy it! If there was no mystery to life, it would be extremely boring, no?

And remember, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Everything that happens to your body is for a logical reason. Separate the emotion when it gets uncomfortable and see it in a rational light. Hopefully that will diminish the drama and help clarify the situation.

Finally, 99.9999999% of your life experiences should morph into amazing tales told over a cold pint. If not, you’re taking life way too seriously. xx

Photo by Curtis MacNewton

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