Dear Daughter — Are You Upset, Sad, or Hurt? This Too Shall Pass
Life will have its ups and down. There will be pain, disappointment, and sorrow. You may fall, but you will get back up. It may be dark, but light will shine again someday.
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Dear daughter,
I wish I could protect you from all the heartache, pain, and disappointments that life will inevitably put in your way. But I can’t, nor should I. These are things you’ll have to go through yourself. They may not be pleasant, but they are integral to life.
Sometimes life just sucks!
I know that it hurts to get your heart broken, that it sucks to be betrayed.
It sometimes feels like someone is cutting your heart out with a knife. It all seems pointless at that moment like your life is over. You feel like you’ll never be happy again, never be able to smile again.
I know it because I’ve lived through that pain repeatedly.
I know that failure is hard to overcome. It is hard to get back up after you have fallen. However, it is the only thing you can and must do.
I know that failing and failing yet again is exhausting and that all you want to do is quit. But you can’t.
The bigger your dreams, the bigger your goals — the more challenging the path toward them will be. The more you want something or someone, the more painful setbacks and rejections will feel.
I’ve been there, more than most probably, for my dreams have never been small, and I don’t do anything half-heartedly. I’m all in, or I’m out.
Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair.
It seems like it’s somehow conspiring against you when everything seems to fall apart, no matter what you do. No matter how hard you try. It can be devastating to see all the hard work you’ve put in go up in flames, leaving you feeling helpless. I know that feeling well. I’ve smelled the ashes of my burned-up dreams more often than I can count or would want to remember.
All parents want to protect their children from harm.
To prevent their baby from falling, help them walk, and guide them by hand every step of the way. Some even go as far as to want to wrap their children in a protective blanket, isolating them from adverse experiences altogether. I feel that inclination myself.
Unfortunately, the desire to protect one’s children from pain causes them much more pain in their adult life. Being isolated from this world is not living. It’s not reality. It doesn’t prepare you for life.
It may be safe and warm, but sooner or later, you will have to climb out of that protective womb and stand on your own two feet in this world.
Many, who weren’t allowed to make mistakes, to fall when they were small, tend to crumble by the weight of disappointment, rejection, and failure as they grow up.
They’ve never faced adversity. They’ve never learned to fall and get back up again. But that is one of life’s greatest lessons.
We all fall, baby girl.
We all fail at some point in our lives. We all have setbacks. We all get dumped and feel the sting of rejection at one point or another.
There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s not only normal; it’s also right.
Failing, being rejected, and feeling all that pain is good. It teaches us lessons and makes us better, stronger, and wiser.
How can it be good when it feels so bad?
Let me give you a few examples.
If a baby isn’t allowed to stand up on its own two feet and make those first clumsy walks all by itself, which inevitably include lots of falling and crying, it will never learn to walk properly. The baby’s muscles will likely be underdeveloped, which may form deformities in its walking. Those tend to lead to a life of pain, injury, and improperly developed posture. As the baby learns to balance itself, despite failing countless times, it develops the proper muscles and coordination to help it throughout life.
So, my darling — is the baby stumbling and falling bad, or is it ultimately a good thing?
If an athlete, like a boxer, doesn’t fight with better fighters than himself, he will never improve. He will never develop his skills to a higher level simply because he never had to. If all his sparring partners are weaker and less skilled than him, he may never get hurt (emotionally and physically). Still, he will never learn the lesson of needing to protect himself because getting hit isn’t fun. He will never be able to get anywhere, achieve no success in his sport. He will never know his true potential, having never really challenged himself properly. He will never leave his comfort zone, so he will never achieve anything.
He will never really know what he is capable of because he never dared to push the envelope, risk falling, risk losing, or risk getting hurt.
Unfortunately, the path to greatness is paved with losses, failures, and challenges. It contains a lot of pain, struggle, and disappointment.
But you see, that is what makes those great men so great in the first place. The key to greatness is not in avoiding failure but in the ability to get back up and try and try again until you’ve overcome the obstacles. By embracing the struggle and setbacks, learning from them, and bettering themselves, they can achieve the levels where they later rule supreme.
“What would have become of Hercules, do you think, if there had been no lion, hydra, stag, or boar — and no savage criminals to rid the world of? What would he have done in the absence of such challenges? Obviously, he would have just rolled over in bed and gone back to sleep. So by snoring his life away in luxury and comfort, he never would have developed into the mighty Hercules.” Epictetus
So is losing and failing by trying new challenging things in life actually bad or good?
And here’s one last example that may hit closer to home for you. If I had stayed with the first girlfriend I ever had, I would have stayed miserable, but most importantly, I would have never met your mother, and you would never have been born. In addition, if I hadn’t lived through some diverse relationships and made the mistakes I had made in those relationships, I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed to know. I wouldn’t have been a good partner to your mother. Our relationship would have been much more challenging and most likely wouldn’t have ever worked in the first place.
I had to fall many times, feel the sting of heartbreak, and experience all sides of the issues in those relationships to become the man I am today.
You see, of all my life’s experiences, the hurtful ones, the painful ones, the hard ones were the ones that taught me the most. I am who I am because of all my mistakes and failings. Without them, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today.
Your mistakes, failures, and lessons learned make you who you are. They’re not bad, just unpleasant. In the end, they make you better in every way possible.
Here’s a little secret:
The end of your relationship with somebody isn’t the end of the world, although I know it feels like it sometimes. Neither is losing a job or something material, no matter how much you value it.
You will only understand the truth after a few experiences like this. You will love again. You will find somebody who will be as good or better than the last person you loved. And every subsequent relationship will be a lot better than the previous one. There are always other options out there, some much better than the one you’ve lost. So cheer up, my darling.
Adventures of life are calling. Be bold, be fearless, take risks! You only live once.
There’s a saying that I find helpful in dark moments: “This too shall pass.”
Whatever you are going through, however painful and desperate it may seem, will one day end. You will feel better. You will move on. You will get back up again.
The sun will shine again, despite the never-ending darkness of the moment. What goes down will come back up again, faithfully like the ocean’s tide.
Give it time. Accept that it happened. Take the time to process it and learn from it. Don’t ignore the pain, don’t bottle up emotions inside you. Let them come and let them pass. The only way out is through!
When you’re ready, you get your ass back up! Get back in the game. Lick your wounds and live to fight (or love) another day.
I know my words won’t make the difficult times any easier for you.
The pain won’t lessen, and your heart will still feel broken. It’s a process you’ll have to go through on your own. I can’t do it for you, but I can support you.
Anything you need, I am always there, my darling daughter.
I will always dare you to try the impossible, the hard, the fun, and the adventurous! To follow your dreams, even though it’s not the comfortable, easy way. Live your life, don’t hide in a cave waiting to die.
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you get back up again!
There is nothing wrong with failing. Don’t call these situations losses. Call them lessons. The lessons are good. They teach us what we need to learn.
When you look back on life in your old age, what you will regret most will be the things you didn’t do or didn’t try because you were afraid, not the things you tried and failed at.
Never be afraid of disappointing me or anybody else if you try and fail at something. That is impossible.
You are enough, and you are perfect the way you are.
I love you with all my heart. I will support you in whatever you choose. It’s your life. Don’t be afraid to live it.
Go out and make those mistakes and then come back and tell me all about them. We’ll compare notes and laugh at our adventures together.
Love, Dad
