Dear Daughter, Learn to Pick Your Battles
Choose the hill you’re willing to die on carefully. Relationships are hard. There’s no point making them more difficult.
Dear Daughter,
Lately, all we do is argue all day long. Nothing is right if it’s not exactly as you’ve deemed it in your cute little head. God forbid I tell you to do something or correct you in any way. Sacrilege! How dare I?! It’s a good thing your stubborn, angry tantrums are so unbelievably cute.
Being a parent can be challenging, but it is also rewarding. Being a kid is no picking either. I know you want to fight all the time and enforce your will upon your parents, heck — the whole Universe, but life just doesn’t work this way, little one.
I try not to crack down on your cries for independence and sovereignty because those are things I value most in people. I hope you will grow up with a strong spine, so I must make sure I don’t crush it. You must build your character, learn to listen to your intuition, think with your head, and make your own decisions. I try to encourage that despite suffering some minor inconveniences and headaches along the way.
Choose your hill carefully
You are young, and every word and choice is a hill you’re willing to die on. It’s your way or the highway, even on the most insignificant issues imaginable, at least until I start counting to three, when you realize the party’s about to come crashing down.
There are things worth arguing about and getting stressed over my darling, but they are rare. You’ll find yourself disagreeing with people in any relationship or social setting. It’s the most natural thing in the world.
The reality, however, is that most don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. They are petty grievances, disagreements, and, predominately, misunderstandings — hardly things worth arguing about and putting unnecessary stress on your relationships.
A rebel without a cause
When we are young, we tend to have fragile egos. We’re still finding ourselves and tend to overreact to anything that would endanger this sense of self and our imagined sovereignty. Even though we know nothing, we believe ourselves to be the wisest beings to have ever lived. Thus, the whole teenager-from-hell parental experience.
I still remember the day I realized that fighting with my parents over silly things was nonsense. I was an angry kid and had zero tolerance for authority. When I was about thirteen, an older friend saw one of my anger tantrums. Once things calmed down and we were alone, he looked at me with a somewhat disappointed look and said:
“So, I see you’re still fighting with your parents over nothing. You haven’t figured it out yet, have you? How stupid that is?”
I don’t know why, but his attitude and calm rationality hit me like a pack of bricks! It was as if he had realized some profound truth of life, like an old sage up in the mountains sharing wisdom with commoners, and I was but a silly idiot, fighting the wind and making everyone’s life miserable for no good reason. I was arguing for the sake of arguing.
I would love to say that this was a turning point in my relationship with my parents, but it would be a lie. That came a lot later. I was quite a handful as a teenager. If you’re going to be anything like me, we’re screwed! I hope you take after your mother. I was a rebel without a cause, driving the adults in my life insane and nearly killing myself in the process, while she seemed to have glided through this phase unscathed.
“I’m at the stage in my life where I keep myself out of arguments. Even if you tell me 1+1=5, you are absolutely correct, enjoy.” — Keanu Reeves
In my more mature age, I agree with Keanu wholeheartedly. It’s just not worth fighting and arguing with people over trivial things. Pick your battles!
Unsolicited help
I initially wanted to help everyone, and I believed that all wanted to be helped. I was wrong. It was a waste of time and energy and did more harm than good. Here’s a simple statement to use when you’re thinking about helping someone and aren’t sure if they want your help:
“I understand. You know where to find me if you want my opinion.”
Make it clear that you aren’t in their shoes and don’t know the correct answer, and what you’re about to tell them is only your opinion. This releases the pressure, gives them validation, and you remain humble and don’t come out as a know-it-all who doesn’t really have a clue.
That is the only approach I’ve ever found that has never backfired, met with emotional or intellectual resistance, and is a net positive for all parties involved.
Always ask people if they want your opinion before offering it, and emphasize it is only that — an opinion.
Here are five simple truths as I’ve come to know them:
- People don’t care about the truth; they care about being right. It’s an ego thing and not about reasoning, objectivity, or truth.
- You can’t change people’s minds by debating and arguing; they’re not listening and only care about reaffirming their opinions. You’re talking to a wall 99% of the time.
- Most people don’t want to be helped, especially when they’re whining about their problems. They just want to be heard and acknowledged. If you try to help them, you become an enemy, not a friend.
- We will never see things the same way; our perspectives are vastly different, and that’s okay. We might as well be living in incompatible worlds.
- No matter how convinced you are of being right, there is always a real possibility that you’re wrong. We don’t know what we don’t know. Stay humble, or life will humble you.
You’ll often come across things you will see differently from the people around you. You’ll have different perspectives, beliefs, understanding, preferences, and desires. And that’s okay. How you communicate those differences is what makes all the difference.
Life is too short to argue with everyone
It’s much wiser to ignore most situations and continue with your life. It’s simply not worth the hassle. We all have to sleep in the bed we made for ourselves. The truth always comes out. Eventually.
It’s not your sacred duty to correct people on everything, even if you believe you know what’s right and what’s best. They don’t care, so for the most part, neither should you. Prioritize peace and harmony in your relationships and avoid fighting pointless battles.
Love, Dad.
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