RELATIONSHIPS
Dear Daughter, You Can’t Unfriend Me, I’m Your Dad
On emotional extortion, manipulation, and games people play in their relationships.
You’ve now entered the phase where it’s apparently cool to extort each other emotionally as you play your little tribalistic games of who’s in and who’s out. It’s cute that you’re trying that on me, but I have bad news for you, darling. You can’t unfriend me! I’m here to stay.
You can be mad at me.
Rage and denounce me all you want, but I’m not going anywhere. Why not? Because I’m your dad, and I will always love you. I will always be your friend. I will always have your back, even when you’re being a little jerk to me. That is what true friends do. That is what family does.
These days, I’m your best friend in the world and the least favorite person a couple of times per day, every day. It all depends on what you want from me and whether I gave it to you or not. It’s cute when you’re four, but something is very wrong if you continue with such extortionate behavior later in life.
News flash — most girls try that horrible manipulation on their new boyfriends.
I’ve been there. They tried. They failed. I’m not one to be extorted, emotionally or otherwise. They’ll have to find much weaker men for that. While I can’t make your future boyfriends and husbands (or girlfriends, let’s not be judgy) grow a spine, I can tell you what I think of such lowly behavior. And since these are my letters to you, dear daughter, you can’t stop me! Ha-ha!
People emotionally (or otherwise — use your imagination) extort their friends, lovers, and family when they want something from them but can’t get it. For some, it’s habitual. For others, it is a desperate last attempt to regain control. Whatever the reason, the result is usually the same.
Either you get what you want and then continue to perpetuate this vile behavior throughout your relationship with no end in sight, causing resentment, hatred, and mental games that can ruin even the best relationships. Or the other person is wise to your attempts to extort them emotionally and sends you packing.
Just say no!
I always advise anyone targeted by such lame attempts at manipulation to nip them in the but! Give in once, and you’re done for. Don’t. Just don’t. No, not even once! It may be uncomfortable for a while, but it’s the only way the other person will learn that this is not the way to get what they want from you. The alternative is a hellish relationship with an adult equivalent of a needy little toddler. You don’t want that!
Sometimes, you won’t get what you want.
Can you imagine? I know. The horror! But that’s just life. Other people have the right to make decisions and have preferences as well. Just in case you didn’t know. If you truly love them, you will give them that authority and freedom. If you’re inclined to extort them to get your way, I’m sad to say you don’t really love them. Read that again.
You’re making your relationship transactional.
You’ll get what you want when I get what I want. That’s not love. That’s a deal, a contract, a pact. Prostitutes do that, just as a random example that is in no way insinuating anything. Yes, all relationships include such silent mutual understandings, but love is the thing that transcends them. In relationships, things should always be given freely, without expectations.
If you truly love someone, you wouldn’t even dream of causing them pain.
Even just emotional pain. You also would want them to give up on their dreams and things they love to do. You would love them for who they are, not who you think they should be. There is a difference, darling. When you extort the other person in a relationship, you’re putting your needs, dreams, and desires ahead of theirs and at the price of theirs.
You’re effectively forcing your will onto them, using a form of violence. Extorsion. Manipulation. It may not be physical violence, but it is emotional and psychological. Is this who you want to be? An extortionate tyrant? I didn’t think so.
There will always be compromises in all relationships.
When two or more people try doing things or living together, it’s effectively a clash of two worlds. The only way to maneuver through the problems you’ll inevitably face is with a boatload of understanding, acceptance, and, most importantly — by talking openly to each other!
This is how you solve your differences, plan, and find ways to make it work. Not by extorting, getting mad, screaming, or violence in any form. That has never solved anything. Keep in mind, first and foremost, that if your relationship (friends, family, or lovers) is going to work, both parties need to be happy. You can’t make the other person in your relationship miserable and expect a happy relationship as a result. That’s insanity! I know you’re smarter than that.
Two happy people equate a happy relationship
The key to a good relationship is to stay true to yourself, your desires, and your preferences while enabling and encouraging the other person to remain true to theirs. You both have to be happy individually in order to have a happy relationship! Remember this. But that’s hard! Yes, it is. It’s also worth it when you love someone. In fact, it’s the only way — the way of love.
True love accepts. True love gives without expectation. True love stands by through hard times. True love understands. True love doesn’t trample on the one they love, hurt, extort, or manipulate them. Makes sense? Good.
Anyway. I love you, and no, I don’t care if you resent me for saving you from oncoming traffic, preventing you from binge-watching cartoons all day, or giving you enough candy to melt your teeth. I can live with your temporary anger. I know you’re not good at managing your emotions. I understand you, and I accept that this will make me the villain of your story from time to time. So be it.
I still love you, Dad.
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