Father’s Day
June 16th, 2019
Dear Dad,
Happy Father’s Day!
I know you don’t give a sh*t about any of this stuff, but the fact you’re not here this year hurts. I’ve been crying all day.
I think the fact it’s on a Sunday just makes it harder. I woke up this morning and thought about how I would go to Allie’s Donuts in your honor, good excuse right?
Well, it was fine until I walked out of the store and started bawling all the way across the parking lot. Then I started thinking about how last year I brought you a donut and we sat with our coffee.
It was nothing special.
Now that I can’t sit and have coffee and a donut and chat, it makes it seem so much more special.
I thought I’d be okay today, but it seems like everything I did to remember you just made me cry. I could barely look at a Hershey’s bar. I had Allie’s Donuts and cold pizza for breakfast. I should have drunk a Budweiser but the tears were already bad enough and now I’m all stuffy from all this crying.
Remember that time you came into my room, and I was sobbing? And you were just checking on me because I was crying so bad that I couldn’t breathe? It was just a sad movie I had watched.
That’s how I feel now dad. But it’s not just a movie.
Father’s Day
The first Father’s Day after Dad died hit me hard. It was strange because dad never cared about Father’s Day. It wasn’t some big, celebrated holiday in our household.
In fact, Dad never cared about most holidays.
He didn’t want lavish gifts and lots of attention on his birthday or Father’s Day. It was just another day for him.
Dad was easy to please. He didn’t ask for much. I never felt pressured to do something special for him on Father’s Day. He was a simple man who appreciated the simple things.
I remember the last Father’s Day I spent with him. It was a Sunday, of course, so I was going to spend the morning with him, anyway. I stopped to pick up some Allie’s donuts for us and headed over. We had our coffee and donuts and chatted.
That day didn’t seem like anything extraordinary… until it did.
A year later, when he was no longer here, I couldn’t just enjoy the simple moments in his company.
On that first Father’s Day without him, I went and got his favorite donuts and cried. I went to lunch with my mom and sister and cried. It seemed like everything I did and everywhere I went that day; I cried.
I just couldn’t stop crying.
My rational brain kept telling me he wouldn’t have cared, but my heart knew that I cared.
I missed him so much.
I scrolled through Facebook and watched commercials about Father’s Day.
It’s funny how it seems like suddenly all you notice is Father’s Day posts, commercials and celebrations when you don’t want to think about it.
There is a part of the brain called the Reticular Activating System. This part of the brain can be activated.
For instance, when you get a new car, a red Hyundai, for example, now all you see is red Hyundais everywhere. They were always there before, but now that you have one; you notice them everywhere.
This was how my first Father’s Day without dad was. I never thought much about it, but once he wasn’t here with me, it was all I saw. The posts, the commercials, and the specials.
It made me so sad he wasn’t here.
I was also angry at everyone who still had their dad with them to celebrate. I didn’t want to see all these happy families celebrating their fathers who were here.
It triggered my grief, my sadness and my wishing he could be here for just one more.
Father’s Day hasn’t hit me that hard since the first one.
After a loved one passes, holidays feel so different than they once had. This is why I believe it is so important to create new traditions.
It can help to create something special to honor your loved one.
It’s can feel like we are going to forget them, or we are pained with the memories of the past holidays that they were there.
The biggest part of loss is the future memories we won’t ever get to have. So, it can be helpful to create a new one in their honor. Make time to share stories of them from holidays past or do something for someone else they would have done.
Most importantly, remember to be gentle with yourself and do what you need to do. Whether it’s taking some time alone to cry or crying with a family member. Taking time to write them a letter or take a walk.
The thing about grief is that even though it doesn’t go away, it can get lighter. However, there is no way around it, you just have to go through it. No matter how long it takes.
Feel free to share ways you honor your loved one on a holiday in the comments.
On another note, there are only a few weeks left in this series. With that being said, I am looking for people that would be willing to share their grief journey or story with me. I will be working on a series for my podcast and would like to help you share your story. Feel free to email me at gingerfunk78@gmail.com if you are interested.
Originally published at http://gingerfunksblog.com on May 19, 2024.
