The Weight of Grief
Honoring our bodies in order to lighten the load
Originally published at https://gingerfunksblog.com on March 24, 2024.
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February 20th, 2019
Dear Dad,
It’s Wednesday. This is one of those long, short weeks where you work a day less than normal, but it feels like a regular week. I feel heavy today. Not sad or anything but physically heavy.
My gut has grown these past few months. Not sure if it’s from eating sweets since you passed away. I had lost my belly before you passed away but we both know I have struggled and dieted my whole life. Like you always said, I’m strong, like a workhorse and not fast and slender like a racehorse.
Plus, I’m getting older, and all these hormones don’t help. But I joined the gym so I’m getting back into working out. Just moving and putting energy into doing something. I’m sure I will start losing weight again. I could eat nothing but salad and would still have love handles. I want to write more but I’m so tired tonight. I told myself to write for just 10 mins so I could keep the habit. Otherwise, I won’t want to get up.
I love you.
Love,
Elissa
The Struggle
My weight has been something I had always struggled with. I have done every new diet. I’ve done Weight Watchers, Atkins, Keto, Low Carb, carb cycling. You name it, I tried it.
I was even at the point where I started making spreadsheets to track my carbs, calories and fats. If I was on a diet, I would weigh myself every day. Multiple times a day.
It’s an awful feeling to always carry this weight. Physically and mentally.
When I was around 30 I had quit smoking and found myself getting into running. It started with a burst of sprints when I was irritable. I would say that the high from running was how I “got the evil out.”
I would get up early in the morning and do a 20–30 minute jog before work.
Yes. I had become THAT person.
That crazy person who woke up to run at 6 am.
I didn’t even know who I was anymore. But I felt amazing.
That is, until I injured myself.
Before
Right before my 40th birthday I had finally gotten to the point where I had lost weight. I was doing what some called “ dirty keto.” It’s somewhat of a less strict keto diet.
I was walking more, not running.
I was feeling good in my own body.
After
Months later, when my dad passed away, it all went out the window.
Everything felt heavy. I couldn’t think about what I ate. I didn’t care.
I had no energy.
It took everything in me to get through each day. To go to work and pretend I was ok. Only to get home and crawl into bed at 5:30.
My brain couldn’t function to plan meals. I didn’t care to count carbs or calories or even think about cooking.
I spent all my energy just trying to make it through the day.
Weight was always a topic in our household. Dad and I talked about it sometimes. His side of the family was always thin but had high cholesterol. Mom’s side was always round but had decent health.
Workhorses vs. Racehorses
Dad had always loved horses and grew up around them. He had told me one day about the difference between work horses and racehorses.
He explained how racehorses were slender and could run really fast. Work horses were not as slender or fast, but they were strong. They were the ones pulling weight.
I remember thinking, “Gee, thanks. Did you just compare me to a horse?”
I recently read about work horses to find them described as docile, patient and how they can carry heavy loads. Grief can be a heavy load.
It’s funny because when you are in the midst of grief, so many people will tell you how strong you are, yet when you are dealing with it you do not feel strong.
When we carry extra weight on our bodies, we often don’t realize how strong our bodies are. How much they do for us.
When we start to lose weight, we often want it fall off quickly. We eat a salad and hope to magically be thin.
Grief can feel the same. It’s like a heavy weight that we just want to rid ourselves of quickly. We cry. We go through emotions, and we keep wondering if we have made it through.
Are we there yet?
But both physical and emotional weight take time to release.
We have to be consistent. We have to take it step by step. Little by little. Pound by pound.
When we learn to take it all moment by moment, we realize that each day we can grow a bit lighter. We will have good days and not so good days.
After years of dieting, I have learned that I know what is good for my body. I know what foods make my body feel good. I know when my body craves movement.
Learning to listen to ourselves and our bodies is key in diet and in grief.
Some days we may need more rest and some days we may need to cry. Every time we honor our bodies, we lighten the load.
And each new day we can be grateful for the strength our bodies have to carry us through.
