Dear Mom: How Do You Negotiate Pay?

Meditations on tech across generations

Dear Mom,

I have a confession: I’ve never negotiated a salary. I’m not alone: A 2007 study found that one eighth of graduating female MBAs negotiated job offers, compared to half of the males.

It has always felt like something I should do, but I lose my nerve every time. I’m not even an MBA; I’m a relatively recent journalism grad competing with thousands of others for a handful of positions. There is this underlying fear that the employer is in complete control; if I ask for more, they will just hire someone else. Studies also show that negotiating have a social cost for women, but not for men. Is that really how I want to start a new job?

The reality is that I do have some power. When my last publication shuttered very publicly in March, I was suddenly surrounded by courters. I had choices. Emboldened, I began testing my luck in the little dance each potential employer asks you to do: “What was your last salary?” and “What salary would you expect from us?”

Eventually, three offers came in. I thought I would continue my bold streak, but it ended. I had no language to negotiate. HR reps threw up walls that seemed designed to prevent me from raising the question. “Is this offer in line with what others are paid at the company?” I asked.

“Everyone is paid fairly based on their experience,” they answered. So if I ask for more, does that mean I’m being unfair?

I don’t know that I’ll ever again have the leverage of three job offers. And that scares me. How can I walk into any job discussion and negotiate pay? That same question extends into the years spent working at a company. How do I know when to ask for a raise? How do I broach the topic, and how do I decide what I’m worth?

Love,

Signe