To the boy that broke my heart.

4/9/17

Dear Sam,

It’s been two weeks since you broke my heart, you still keep breaking my heart. Two weeks ago is when you fucked up, and when my patience gave.

You still have yet to apologize to me, or even acknowledge to my face that I’m upset or anything in between. All you do is try to get me to act like you have done nothing wrong. Nope. Not happening sweetheart.

A couple days ago, I was thinking about you and how your birthday was coming up. I know that I was in no way obligated to spend 50 dollars on you but I did anyway because I’m a great person and because I want you to look at the gift I sent you and see that is uniquely tailored to you, right down to the bible verses I sent with it, and hopefully feel guilty and undeserving of my kindness because you do not deserve my kindness.

I sent a bible verse that talked about forgiveness an I can’t remember what it was, but that’t not important. I think you may be mistaken when you read it.

Yes, I did forgive you, no I do not hate you. I could never hate someone that I loved, unfortunately. I hate what you did to me, Sam. I hate how you’re acting, and how you’re treating me right now. I forgive you because if Jesus can forgive the people who crucified Him then dammit I can forgive you for being a jackass. Me forgiving you does not make what you did ok. It doesn’t make the relationship between you and I ok, it probably will never be ok due to your lack of balls and/or your apathy towards me. I just thought it was important to clarify what I meant when I sent you that verse.

I think that it’s important that I fully and totally explain what you have done to me. I’ll use small words so your testosterone driven pea brain can understand.

I fell in love with you when you kissed me for the first time in your beautiful car that was parked in my driveway.

That night was the first home football game of the season. The first time us band kids would perform our halftime show. The day that marks the beginning of fall for me. You had been flirting with me all day and I was flirting back an trying to hide my butterflies because the cute senior boy with the dreadlocks that I had had a crush on forever just brushed my hand with his. That night after the game, all of our friends planned on going to Applebee’s to hangout and eat chicken wings and dick around because why not. I didn’t have a car at the time and I really wanted to be around you so, I asked if you could give me a ride to Applebee’s and then give me a ride home since we live a minute away from each other. Of course you said yes and your parents told me to keep an eye on you or something like that because they knew you liked to drive fast. I didn’t care, I was watching your smile as you laughed at them and we drove away.

You held my hand and put your hand on my leg on the way there. This was different than when you had taken me places before. I could barely contain my excitement as I prayed to God that you would finally kiss me tonight. We got to the restaurant and you held my hand under the table and payed for my drink and my french fries in front of all of our friends. I smiled at one of the color guard girls as she winked at me. It was everything I could have dreamt of that 2 hours.

It was 11:00 and our curfew was 11:30, we had to leave. We got into your car and you continued to hold my hand and place your hand on my thigh as you drove. I remember you almost killing us because you noticed that my hands were cold and you tried to warm them up. How sweet of you. The whole time this was happening, I was so excited and nervous because I thought that you were actually going to kiss me for the first time, confirming that you had feelings for me too.

We pulled into my driveway, there was a song that was playing from your phone that was a mixture of dubstep and heavy metal. It was at the perfect volume. You looked at me and I looked at you as you tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and cupped my cheek and brought my lips to yours. They made contact at the bass drop of the song, I still don’t know if that was on purpose or not. My heart was beating at a pace that couldn’t have been safe for anyone and I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my bones as you kissed me. Occasionally you would break our kiss to look at me. You would smile the smile I would eventually grow to loath as you kissed me for the first time in my driveway in you beautiful car and then proceed to tell me two days later that you didn’t want to be in a relationship and that kissing me was a mistake and that you were sorry. I would have to relay that message on to my mom who swore I was going to marry you and had to witnessed me giggle and scream and jump up and down in my living room after you had kissed me for the first time in your beautiful car, and then sob into her “band mom” sweatshirt two days later because I was confused and hurt.

You then proceeded to kiss me, in your beautiful car that was parked in my driveway after a football game again. Accept this time it was different. It didn’t feel genuine. It felt hungry and unfamiliar and weird and just not right as you verbally coaxed me into your back seat and grind your hips against mine and touch me as if I said I was yours to touch and not respect my verbal boundaries when I told you that I was not yours to touch. After this you disappointed me again by telling me that you didn’t want a relationship and then made me almost proud when you apologized for not respecting me when I told you to stop. I now look back and know that you never meant that you were sorry that time, or anything other time this would happen. Because you had already gotten what you wanted from me and apologizing and saying what you needed to to keep my heart in place so you could use me again.

I want to believe that something happened to you between the first and second football game. Everything, down to the way your lips tasted, was different. I really want to believe that the boy that kissed me for the first time in his beautiful car that was parked in my driveway is still there, because I love him. I want him to exist. I don’t think he does.

Like the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. I believe that everything you said and did was a lie. You managed to weasel your way through the fragile wall around my heart. Until now, I left my heart unguarded and available because I thought all of the songs, poems, and stories about girls and their “walls that needed to be broken down”, were all over exaggerations and just beautiful stories that were meant to be consumed and to pull at the heart strings of their readers. I now understand that they’re oh so very accurate.

You have ruined me, Sam. You have taken my heart and dangled it in front of me for 8 months now and two weeks ago you threw in on the ground because you found a prettier heart. A heart that belonged to a girl that is thinner and prettier and all around so much better than me. I can’t blame you, I wouldn’t want me either.

You damaged me, Sam. Now whenever anyone says anything remotely kind to me I can’t fully accept their compliment because I’m afraid that they’re lying through their teeth in order to win my trust and take a piece of my confidence so they can crush it later.

I’m afraid to fall again. I’m afraid that the next boy that kisses me in his beautiful car that’s parked in my driveway is going to use me and steal my affection and take my heart and then throw it in my face again, wrecking my entire being and leaving me to be nothing but a silly girl who fell for a snake with beautiful blue eyes, longing for the emptiness where her heart should be to filled by something.

I am but a shell of the strong, centered, and confident girl I once was. I am sad, and angry, and disappointed, and lonely, and frustrated, and lost.

That is what you have done to me.

-M

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