48: Heart
January 30, 2023
Dearest Solomon,
It’s 6:30 am here in Steamboat Springs. We escaped, against all odds, for a quick getaway to be with friends and to ever-so-subtly bring in another birthday for your dad. I honestly thought we wouldn’t make it but I am beyond grateful we got here.
As is our tradition, I want to reflect and bring some meaning to the last year of my life. I struggled with the theme this year, if I am honest, as many parts of last year set me down a somber path. It wasn’t until I saw this piece of art from my friend that I realized it need not be so.
Last year can be described with the word heart. Let me share all the ways.
My love for my work
It’s a privilege and honor to be able to do what you love. Most folks go their entire life doing work for others but never relishing it for themself. I’ve had the ultimate luxury to do that on my own terms for the entirety of my professional career, even before my “career” started.
But the weight of being your own boss is full of fear, uncertainty, and doubt. At any given moment, you can find yourself terrified at what happens next — at how low the next low can be. This has an especially sinister companion, something called Imposter Syndrome. I wrote much more about that here, but let me explain why it struck me now.
Despite all my experiences and mistakes over the years, I always found a way forward. For the last 3 years (which feels like a lifetime), I’ve been trying to build something new. And for 3 years, it’s felt like I failed every which way to do so. After too many false starts, failed instincts, and miscalculations my confidence was shaken. Maybe I just don’t have it anymore.
When I was younger, I maybe wanted to be a successful entrepreneur for the glory that came with it. Today, I just need to be one to make sure I’ve done everything to leave you and your mom safe if something should happen to me — a far more solemn and precious set of requirements.
But something happened this year. Perhaps it was the company I kept, the connections I made, or the external fears forcing my focus, but I turned a corner. Instead of doubting myself, I started to pull together all the things I learned and mastered and used them to my aid. Finally, I felt in control.
We’re not there yet, and we’re still making mistakes, but I have that joy and love for work again. I have focus without overwhelming fear. I have a shot.
Finding my love with new friends and family
If you ask anyone, they’ll tell you I’m an extrovert. Forever, I’ve said I am mostly an introvert and this behavior is learned — a necessity of my job, etc. But now, I’m not so sure.
While I’ll usually still choose to stay home and do nothing, this post-covid year truly showed me how much I value and need all the amazing people in my life.
From weddings to birthdays to vacations we’ve been to loads of places this year and it filled me with so much love to see all the people we know and love. I know I wouldn’t be me without them and I hope in some small way the same is true for all of them.
Professionally, too, it’s been a joy to meet new colleagues, to mentor so many new entrepreneurs, and equally to have them mentor me. It’s been a true motivator to hear from others and get their honest reflections on your work and progress. It’s even more enriching to meet pure strangers who get value from something you’ve created.
It takes a lot of effort, but it pays dividends — make the investment, son.
Finding my love for new and old things
I’m a lifetime learner, it’s true. I am constantly exploring new things — particularly in business and tech which likely is boring as all heck to many — but it’s what I do.
Last year, I was deep into building communities, crypto, and towards the end A.I. and all it has to offer. These things have provided a mountain of new ideas, conversations, relationships, and friendships.
At the same time, I re-discovered all sorts of lost items in my life including a love for fashion, art, coding, and much more. Sometimes, finding something new is as simple as finding something old again. I’m lucky to have had the chance to reconnect with some of my old passions as well.
As this year wound down, I even managed to find my way back to fitness. For the better part of the year, I couldn’t summon the mental strength to get myself in gear.
But excuses are enemies — fight them.
Struggling with my health
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I chose this theme of heart quite literally.
I’m not about to die, I promise you that as best I can. But what seemed like smooth sailing doesn’t feel quite so smooth anymore. I already wrote about my first trip to the emergency room and my realization and recognition of the fears of my father.
On December 30, I found myself back in the emergency room. Earlier that day, I had gone to get my cholesterol checked and while there, my blood pressure was elevated. For the days prior, I was feeling a lot of eye strain and having headaches, but I assumed it was something going around — we had just got back from vacation and everyone was sick.
The hypochondriac in me was concerned and when the doctors asked if I could check my blood pressure again, I obliged. 135… 145… 165… in a 30-minute window and the next thing I know they want me to go in.
It was just about your bedtime and your mom suggested I just Uber there. My heart sank, flashbacks to the last time, to Pops. You both gave me a ride instead, I told your mom I loved her, came around to the back, kissed your little cheek, and quickly closed the door so you wouldn’t see me cry.
Fortunately, they found nothing and I was quickly sent back home. But the terror machine was in full swing. My symptoms didn’t really go away, but I found ways to rationalize what was happening. I went back in for more testing and at least for now, crossing my fingers, I’m still not pre-diabetic and don’t have high blood pressure — two of the ailments your grandpa had and I have worked so hard to avoid.
But I won’t settle for skating, I can’t. That was a wake-up call and in all the best ways. It meant being mindful of what I eat, how much I sleep, how much I drink, and how much I exercise. Not the usual New Year’s resolutions, a resolution to be here for as long as I possibly can.
Last year went by so fast I can barely remember it. It was filled with highs and lows, nothing new, but something different.
It takes a tremendous amount of heart to do anything in life. It takes an infinite amount more to weather all that will come your way from others. The only way to break a heart is to not use it at all, so give away as much of yours as you can if you want it to grow, son.
Love Always,
Dad
