a longing
i need you
to know that i know
all of it
and a part of me would have done the same thing
while all of me is fine that all of it was done
i should be disgusted with myself
for that knowledge
for that acceptance
for that keeping of a weighty secret
that’s what the professionals would say
and i agree with them
from day to day
it must be Stockholm syndrome
i say
to myself
when i am having these conversations with myself
— conversations i would rather have with you —
which means that i know the full truth
i do love the full you
and i am filled with rage
for what we lost
with each other
because of what we lost at birth
properly
i should be filed with rage for other things
but properly is not a cloth that has ever worn well
on me
we are adult kids in a never-ending foster home
and you
are an avenging angel
i see you
your silhouette against the flames
and you are beautiful
scorching the earth where poisonous plants were laid
so that new
non-fucked up
life
may grow
i remember the ring
now
i remember not remembering when you wore it
then
and i am stunned
angry at my scarred brain
twenty years later
i would give it to you again and again
for i am yours
then
now
always
in some place where rejected things have come to bloom
scattered in a field at birth and forgotten
abandoned in an unfriendly acre
some seeds appreciate a strong wind
to take them away from where they’ve been
i long for you
