apology
i was the worst person
for you to meet
at that point in your life
you were leaving
a place and the people
that had failed you there
you were relocating
deciding where to go
and there i was
acting like i was a good choice
a bomb was about to go off
and you saw it coming
joked with me about it
“i think she’s going to tell you she’s your mom”
you had experience with that kind of thing
you saw it coming
when it happened
when the bomb went off
you wanted to make sure that i knew it was real
“there’s no reason for her to lie about it”
but i knew she was lying
i was solid in that knowledge
it was ego
that narcissistic monster cutting saw
trying to cut me off from everything i knew
from the one person who had ever loved me
(though she’d been dead for ten years)
that was all her words were
an attempt to undercut
attack
revise history
and i was not going to stand for it
i called out the lie as i saw it
and it did cut me
it did cut me off from the one person
who had ever loved me
it cut me off from you
to run from truth
i had to run from you
all of that is an explanation
not an apology
an explanation for things remembered now
but locked somewhere in my brain for years
but you
truth-seeking scientist detective warrior
should have that explanation
that knowledge
that the only thing about you that made me run
was your courageous determination
to make me see what i refused to see
my apology to you
stands separate from explanation
as it should
i am so sorry
you packed up your life
ready to get away from unfulfilled promises
away from unavailable
away from the loudness of a lonely city
and as soon as you arrived
i cut you off
totally
cruelly
met you once and disappeared
(even though
darling
through the phone
i felt we’d known each other for years)
you are beautiful
stunning
there is not one thing about you
that set me to running
except for your mind
that would not let my mind
convince itself of a lie
i loved you
i love you
i will love you
until i die
