Always Do the Opposite of Your Instinct… Sometimes
In the context of the natural world, an instinct is described as an innate behaviour which is observed throughout a species. We cannot read the minds of birds, but it’s likely that their building of nests for their offspring is not a conscious decision, but rather an innate behaviour which makes them more fit evolutionarily. Evolutionary fitness — or how well the species can reproduce in an environment — is the reason why the innate trait to build nests is effectively universally present in birds.
Our evolutionary fitness is also the reason why we (humans) get a fight-or-flight response in a confrontation that could end our reproductive career, or why being shamed in public — which will hurt our status as potential mates — is extremely traumatic. Our instincts are the primal responses which have gotten us here since our emergence as homo sapiens 200,000 years ago, and as such, they should not be ignored.
But some instincts manifest themselves as highly mediocre and incredibly comfortable decisions to abstain from greatness:
I’m not the type of person to walk up to those people at this party. I’m not a good dancer, so I’m not going to the club. I can’t fight… I’m not really confrontational. I’m not really the person who has spreadsheets and budgets all of their income. That’s just not me.
These are sentences I’ve told myself and others, about myself. Two things were always true when I told any one of those things to myself or someone else:
- It felt so comfortable saying it
- My mind made perfect sense of it
But I never felt passion when telling myself or others these things.
Just as mediocrity and excuses will turn your partner off and limit the potential of your relationship, comfortable ‘observations’ about your so-called ‘natural self’ won’t do much good in regard to your confidence and will limit what you can achieve in this life.
My First Time Ignoring an Instinct — A Bad Night
Something interesting happened to me 8 months after I — after a strong gut feeling — broke up with the love of my life. Near the end of the relationship and throughout most of those 8 months, I was not really a super desirable partner. I was okay. I was maybe 50–70% of the way there. I was making good money, but I wasn’t really saving it. I was working out, sort of… not really… I was chubby. I was just cruising along hoping to find someone.
Shortly before the 8 month mark I decided to begin turning things around. I always told myself that I could never fight, but I began to do martial arts. I began to lose weight (albeit very slowly) and my hair regrowth medicine was beginning to kick in.
I was looking to start going to social events to potentially meet new people… and a partner. There was a party happening that same night I was looking, but I had a business flight that day. Then, after standing in the security clearance queue for two hours, I got an email from the airline that my flight had been cancelled due to weather conditions. On one hand, my lack of confidence in myself and my instinct for comfort had told me not to go to the party which was now an option. But a faint part of me wanted to get out of the rut that I was in.
When I got there, I was very nervous. I didn’t really talk to people of the opposite sex — which was my original intention. I mean I did, but not really. I was mediocre again. And then I saw my ex, and the fight-or-flight response started to kick in. I was able to fight it out but the rest of the night was not pleasant and I didn’t stay for the whole event. I left.
This sent me down a confusing rabbit hole of whether or not I should have broken up with my ex in the first place… but the next party I went to, I was skinnier and more attractive, and I forced myself to be more sociable despite the social anxiety. I was terrified I’d see my ex there again and didn’t want to go. But I forced myself to go, and didn’t see my ex there. I met someone else at that second party, who I later asked out, despite my instinct not to. We even dated for a few months, only for me to realize it’s not going to work out and ending it before we became intimate.
There’s no happy ending, but I learned a lot about my search for a partner, and I improved my confidence and appearance. This involved ignoring several instincts while trusting others, and helped me develop a criteria of when to ignore and when to follow an instinct:
When To Ignore an Instinct
The emotional rollercoaster I experienced helped me shape a criteria in regards to when instincts should be ignored:
If you’re experiencing an instinct promoting comfort but keeping you stagnant and leaving you to suffer despite the comfort, always ignore that instinct and attack the problem.
Walking into the martial arts studio for the first time and throwing punches that a 7-year-old can outdo was embarrassing. Going to the party with low self confidence was nerve-wrecking. Talking to my ex and asking for them back after dumping them was terrifying, and the subsequent rejection was depressing. Each one of those decisions was painful. Not doing them was comfortable. But despite the comfort, I would have still hated my lonely, unattractive old self.
When To Trust an Instinct
Conversely, instincts do have their place. As mentioned in the introduction, they are, after all, the primal safety mechanism which leads to higher evolutionary fitness and thus our success as a species.
When an instinct leads to the preservation or acquisition of something of definite value, always trust that instinct.
Sometimes a dangerous thrill-seeking activity such as caving or skydiving can invoke a gut feeling deterring an individual from participating in these activities. Statistically speaking maybe the activity is not as dangerous as one may make it out to be, but if the individual has a gut feeling that they should avoid the caving trip, perhaps it’s a sign that they value their safety more than they do the thrill of the activity. Others may truly desire the thrill of the activity and know that the risk is statistically negligible. Both of those instincts are correct because the individual has weighed out their values, and following these instincts will lead to the preservation of something valuable such as life in the case of avoiding the activity, or joy in the case of pursuing it.
An educated examination of the values at stake can also lead to instincts surrounding financial decisions, such as a potential car buyer being on the fence of making a purchase but then experiencing a gut feeling to not go forward, because the monthly payments are going to put them in a tough spot despite their excitement of getting a new BMW. Conversely, if an educated individual who knows their budget sees a good deal on a vehicle, they may experience a gut feeling to go for it before the opportunity is gone, and they absolutely should.
Conclusion
Our instincts exist for a reason. It seems to be the case that if we follow all of them, we could potentially become stagnant because we’d fail to go outside of our comfort zone. It seems to also be the case that if we are educated on risks and know which values matter to us, our instincts are usually going to be correct and we should go with them. There is a balance of opposing certain instincts and fulfilling others.
At the end of the day, only reflection into one’s own values and attempts to break out of their comfort zone can put this balance into practice.
