We’re All Talking More Than Ever, And Saying Less Than We Ever Have Before

When was the last time you had a truly engaging conversation?

Young people have grown either fearful or incapable of posing, exploring and debating big questions about life in casual conversation.

Sitting around a table of friends, we have access to people who are, just under the surface, bubbling with interesting, heartbreaking and motivational personal stories. They are all navigating hardships, enjoying victories, fighting through struggles, and facing fears. There is so much to talk about!

And yet, on the cusp of a potentially engaging and eye opening conversation, we squander the opportunity to discuss something of substance. Instead we talk only about…Instagram memes. Petty work issues. How bad traffic has been recently. How cold the weather is.

There is nothing wrong with talking about silly, funny, unimportant, trite things. They keep a conversation going. They are the mortar that holds the bricks of a great conversation together. No one wants to be around a pseudo-philosopher who is constantly posing intellectual questions at a noisy night club.

But, given the chance to have coffee or a beer with a group of people you consider good friends, people you are close to and trust, why not cut the crap and get down to business? How are they really feeling? What makes them happy? What makes you happy? Are you fulfilled with life? Are they? What scares them? What scares you? Do you think the world will be okay?

But we never go there. The conversations go round and round about unimportant events that happened to mutual contacts or mundane daily tribulations.

Even if only subconsciously, we all find this frustrating. Online, we’ll admit, we are vain and shallow. But what we find most disappointing about ourselves is that, faced with a real, flesh and blood person and the opportunity to finally open up, to share and to listen… we simply don’t know how.

It is no surprise, then, that young people are anxious and depressed. What a helpless feeling to have thousands of people at your fingertips, yet feel that there is no one in the real world to genuinely connect with beyond surface-level chit-chat.

So we retreat, seeking depth from a puddle, combing through social media, posting quotes we don’t understand or sharing other people’s ideas we haven’t really considered. We seek substance where we know we can’t find it because we are terrified of the place where we know we can.

And so we find ourselves talking more than ever before and saying less than we ever have. Posting and sharing and “connecting,” yet never really gaining anything.

Even if they are inept, most people prefer deeper, more substantive conversations. Deep down, your group of friends at the bar — awkwardly gripping their beers while small talking each other to death — wish for these types of conversations. To actually talk about something, anything, of substance.

You can test this yourself. Next time you are at a dinner party or with friends at the cafe, ask someone if they are happy. Ask them what they hope their life looks like in five years. And when you do, notice them get excited. Watch their eyes as they access a part of themselves they have been suppressing with Netflix and Instagram. Watch as they soften, warmed by the fact someone would think enough to ask them such a question and be patient enough to listen and discuss their answer.

These conversations benefit everyone. To hear how other people approach their life, define success, face the things they fear, share their insecurities, and enjoy their passions benefits everyone. To do so over a beer or coffee is to take advantage of the original purpose of the coffee shop and the bar: to share ideas and stories.

And when you have good conversation, you know it.

Everyone’s phone is away. Everyone is engaged. People are as willing to share as they are to listen. Egos are taken off and placed on the floor next to the table. There is excitement and friendly debate and ideas are challenged as often as glasses are clanked.

If only for a few hours, in a good conversation, everyone shows their true selves. Fears and insecurities and hopes and beliefs and passions fly around the table, colliding and breaking and reforming again.

A substantive conversation is a piece of group-art; together, you craft a masterpiece. And when it’s all over, there is a sense of satisfaction. Something tangible was accomplished. Everyone walks away relieved to have their true face accepted and thankful for having been listened to.

And that really is something people could use a little more of.

Got a hankering for more? You can read more of my posts on Letters to a Young Professional, you can check out my blog 12HourDifference.co for my thoughts on launching an international career and you can connect with me on LinkedIn or Twitter to chat about…whatever you’d like!