No One Cares What You Do (And It’s A Good Thing)
I was born with two left feet. I can hardly bust a move, even if my life depended on it. So, imagine my trepidation when a bunch of random strangers pulled me onto the dance floor on New Year’s Eve to dance to the latest Bollywood numbers!
Initially anxious, I began to move slowly, my movements rigid and calculated. But as the night progressed, I found my body swaying more freely, my feet moving with newly discovered fluidity.
Don’t be mistaken, my friend; it was by no means graceful. It was still uncoordinated and awkward, but it was fun.
It was then that I realized. No one actually cared how I danced. The point was simply to dance like no one’s looking.
Why We’re Caught Up In Our Own Heads
Much like my late-night dancing escapade, almost everything we do runs the risk of being judged by others.
This fear of judgment is borne out of our innate fear of a loss of social status and of crucial connections that may help us survive in an otherwise lonely and dangerous world (look at me getting into evolutionary psychology again!).
Humans are social animals, and with that tag comes the psychological drive to be accepted by others. While that is a good thing, it has a dark side as well. This side gives birth to a peculiar phenomenon called the spotlight effect.
The Spotlight Effect
The spotlight effect occurs when we believe (often mistakenly) that all eyes are on us. We tend to think that other people notice us for our (supposedly outlandish) appearance and behavior, far more than they really do. But why?
Well, the answer lies in our perception of ourselves as the center of our lives and the mistaken idea that others also feel the same way! You see, we humans are weird and often can’t think outside of ourselves. This is what we call egocentric thinking.
Egocentric Thinking
Egocentric thinking makes us assume (unconsciously) that people notice us as much as we notice ourselves. In other words, we are the center of their world as well (now we’re starting to sound pretty self-important, aren’t we?).
In reality, however, egocentric thinking is the by-product of not being able to differentiate between our own thoughts and opinions and those of others.
This gives rise to the evil spiral of constant anxiety about being evaluated and the compulsive need to compensate for it.
The result?
A person who appears and acts inauthentic in a desperate attempt to please their invisible societal judges!
How To Combat The Spotlight Effect
Overcoming the spotlight effect is surprisingly simple (and notoriously difficult). As is the theme in most of my other stories, conceptualizing the change required to better our lives and find happiness is far easier than actually implementing the change.
Combating cognitive biases like the spotlight effect demands that we behave in ways that are radically different from what we are used to, and hence be willingly very uncomfortable.
So, without further ado, let’s look at some ways we can shed our socially anxious skin and walk out in a chicken suit in broad daylight (here’s author and YouTuber Mark Manson doing the same thing)!
Be an observer, not the protagonist
We are all, by default, the protagonists of our own lives. To reduce the spotlight effect and understand that almost no one actually cares what we do, it’s useful to observe others and eventually realize that they are preoccupied with their own lives.
Become a great listener
Actively listening to others and directing our focus outside of ourselves helps channel our thoughts away from our internal worries and toward more useful things. It also helps us appreciate others’ perspectives and takes the anxiety out of social situations.
Focus on the present moment
Being mindful of the present moment works wonders for those afflicted with the cruel discomfort of feeling exposed.
Being present and attentive to our environment allows the mind to enjoy whatever is happening around us instead of ruminating on what could go wrong.
Question negative thoughts
Whenever I’m in a situation where I feel I’m in the spotlight, I ask myself one simple question. Is this anxiety even justified? Chances are, it isn’t.
Anxiety is our brain’s way of telling us that something might go wrong so we need to be on guard. Teaching our brains to chill out is the best thing we can do for ourselves.
Practice self-compassion
Self-compassion is not just in treating ourselves with love and kindness (as if we were a dear friend instead) but also in celebrating small successes and congratulating ourselves for them.
Going easy on ourselves may be one of the most crucial skills we can master in this age of grind and hustle.
Embrace imperfection
Last but not least, being imperfect is not a sin. As someone who spent almost three decades trying to achieve perfection before realizing the futility of that pursuit, I can say that being wonderfully bold in our imperfections is the only way to create meaning in our lives.
Be it our relationships or our accomplishments, being authentic is far more useful than being perfect.
So, here’s something I want you to act on. Once you finish reading this, go do something that makes you uncomfortable.
Whether it’s publishing that piece of writing you felt is no good or going out wearing a chicken suit (don’t ask me why I’m still stuck on that), look that discomfort right in the eye and laugh as you realize that most people will never care.
If most people don’t care what you do, you have complete freedom to be yourself. So, why not do it anyway?
If you liked my story, clap for it 👏🏻, comment your tips for overcoming the spotlight effect ✍🏻, and follow my work for more 💌.
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