In Deep Purple

A personal post on being a closeted, married, bisexual, and why I’m determined to come out.

I’m a big fan of the colour purple. Or to be closer to the mark, I like really rich, deep purples and burgundies that you would see in a good glass of red wine, or like the skin of an aubergine on a bright day.

As a seemly straight-identifying man, it might seem weird to favour the colour purple. I mean, it’s kinda gay, right?

Well, in a way…

To get to the point, this is what I’m really talking about. I am a twentysomething bisexual man who is hopefully on a journey to coming out to the world, standing up to be counted, and hopefully make a difference.

Sounds ambitious, doesn’t it? I’m not saying I want to change the world, but there have been a few things going on out there that have irked me recently, from global issues including the persecution of LGBT people in Russia and Africa, to the not-really-meant-as-offensive-but-down-to-ignorance-it-comes-off-as-bigotry comments from people I know. I‘ve also come to a time in my life when I can 100% say with confidence that I know who I am, I am comfortable with who I am, and I don’t want to be afraid to talk about who I am.

As a married man, I have portrayed myself as straight, without really meaning to but somehow at the same time maybe trying to. It was fairly easy — I have my wife, we talk about having kids eventually, and generally speaking I am ‘straight-acting’ (whatever that means… come on, who doesn’t like show tunes!)

I am married to a wonderful (straight) woman who I am lucky to call my best friend. As my best friend she was the first person I came out to — I went though a short phase in our teenage years (yeah, high school sweethearts!) where I thought I might be actually gay, but I knew I wasn’t, and she was really supportive at the time. I think that was written off as a phase really, it’s certainly not something we spoke about for a long time. But anyway, this is another story for another day. Must stick to the point!

Recently though, I’ve gotten to a stage where I feel that I’m living a sort of half-lie. I’m NOT straight. Why do I tell the world I am? Or that is, why do I hide the fact I’m not?

My circumstances, as far as anyone would see or need to know, haven’t changed; I’m still me, I’m still very much in love with my wife, and it certainly won’t change anyone else’s life. So what’s the point in coming out? Why bother?

I’ll tell you why.

I feel a bit guilty, really. Guilty for having not done it already.

To put it in perspective, when Tom Daley recently announced that he was in a relationship with a man, the media world and his following swooped in to congratulate him and show their support, and that is so totally awesome. He also mentioned that he told his mum and she was super supportive too. Also really awesome.

It got me thinking. I spent at least a decade questioning my sexuality, moving from I might be gay to I’m definitely straight, to considering the ‘gay portion’ of me a ‘dirty little secret’, and so on. A number of those years were spent in adolescence, and it was pretty hard going if I’m honest. There are all sorts of reasons why, but again, another story for another day.

It took me a long time to really understand who I was, and every time I didn’t talk about it, and every time I pretended to be 100% straight, I was telling the world (and maybe myself in a way too) that it wasn’t okay, and I wasn’t prepared to make an example of myself.

An example for some struggling teenager who might be afraid of what his or her parents might think, or a husband trapped in the closet worried about telling his wife that he sometimes fantasises about men, or someone worried that he or she might face prejudice at work… (and so on).

Anyone who has spent long enough working on their own doubts and feelings to sort out their identity in their own heads, shouldn’t have to then have to stress about how to live true to themselves.

I truly believe it only takes one positive conversation with one supporting person to make the biggest difference in coming out. And I really hope I can be that person for someone one day, because I wish I’d had that conversation a long time ago.