Love Lost: An Introspection
We’ve all been through it. The tragedy that is heartbreak and the woes that come to us as the aftermath of it all. I’ve been through it recently, and in fact, I am still going through it. If you’re anything like me, you want to find that true love and that one person you’re going to share the rest of your life with. In fact, we’re taught this at a very young age. How can we avoid the onslaught of media portrayals, family members nagging you, and a barrage of other influences that constantly tell you that you need to find that partner? It becomes even harder with social media and seeing all your friends and family partnering up, getting married, and having kids. You, yourself are alone, and do you really have anyone to blame but yourself?
Actually, no. That’s a lie. But let’s back track… Recently, my partner broke up with me. It was very much a classic break up scenario in which she gave me the cliche line of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Further mentioning that she had “a lot of stuff she had to work on” with herself, and that she couldn’t do it with me in the picture. Textbook right? She really meant that, and frankly I do believe her. However, it was incredibly hard for me to hear. In fact, so hard that I could not really digest it at that moment in time. I of course asked if there was anything I did wrong, she insisted that there was not. I asked if she still loved me and she said she did. With that statement, I was confused. How could you love someone and then suddenly hurt that person so much in one fell swoop? But at that point, I couldn’t take it any longer and I asked her to leave. I probably should have asked her to elaborate more on what exactly was going on, because now, I’m left in the dark. Speculation is awful. Ambiguity is awful. When you’re left with nothing but that, your mind starts to wander into many different places, all of which, will never give you a concrete answer.
The part that hit me the hardest was that I really believed that she was going to be my so called “life partner.” I felt as though I lost my ONE chance at love, and that per usual, I once again, “fucked it all up.” She was the best relationship I ever had, and everything was hunky dory until it all of a sudden wasn’t. I tend to have a fatalistic view when it comes to love, and I’m sure many of you may have the same thoughts that I do. Over and over again, I thought, “I’m going to be alone forever. I did this to me.” Because of these fatalistic thoughts, I also kept thinking to myself that I need to get her back and that she is my “soul mate.” Maybe this is true, maybe it isn’t. But what’s the point in speculating on something you literally have no answers on?
Per her request, I gave her space. Normally post break up, I tend to immediately talk to the other party. I word vomit, tell them all my feelings, and more than likely overwhelm the other person, pretty much eliminating all chances of reconciliation. I didn’t this time, because I wanted so badly for us to work it out that I wanted to try the other tactic. I’ve given her weeks at this point with not one word. The last time we talked, we had a standing agreement to “talk later.” Whatever that means. It hasn’t happened yet, and I am still deathly frightened to make it happen. I cannot tell you how difficult it was (and still is) to not bring up my phone, type out a text to her, and send it. Thankfully, I’ve had an amazing support system in my friends and family to listen to me. So if any friends or family are reading this, you guys are the REAL MVP!
As such, I am at a sort of crossroads right now. Do I wait for her to contact me because she asked for space, or do I contact her because it has been enough time and I need answers? It sounds pretty black and white, but like all questions in life, it’s somewhere in between. I have literally beat myself to death over and over again with my friends and myself as to what the “right” answer is. One moment I’ll think, I have to do this right now, I have to text her, but moments later that feeling will leave me and that anxiety is gone. But I ask you this, is there a right answer? Conclusion: no, there isn’t.
What I am ultimately trying to get at with this long personal anecdote is that maybe, just maybe, I have been putting my focus on the wrong person. I have probably wasted days speculating on her thoughts, feelings, what she’s doing, and what she is going through when I have literally no physical evidence to prove anything. All of it is pure speculation. In this matter, I have 0 control, but what do I have control over? Me.
Ultimately, I am the one that has the power over this situation when it comes down to it. I may not necessarily be able to control my emotions in this matter, but I wield the power in controlling my thoughts. Of course there may be some incidents where your thoughts stray and therefore affect your emotions, but I also have the power to put it back on the right course. With this realization, my internal monologue drastically shifted. Because you have no power over the other person (nor a magical crystal ball), you can therefore only control your own trajectory and your own emotions. Why choose to be a negative Nancy when you yourself are worth more than that? Why have a fatalistic view point when you have been through this before? You WILL move on, and you have so in the past. You may not believe that you have a lot of self worth or, for that matter, the self esteem to see yourself in a positive way, but that does not mean that you have no value. You do, and YOU matter. If this person cannot see that, then maybe another person will. Do not let yourself fall into a self fulfilling prophecy by ONLY portraying yourself as the negative, because that will limit yourself in potential future partners. I believe that people have a sixth sense in this, and if you do not value yourself, the other person will also not value you or what you have to offer.
With this realization where does that leave me? I still have one of two choices to make. I can either initiate a dialogue, or I can leave it be and wait for her to reach out to me. The second option, may not seem like an action, but really it is. It could be considered a passive action that still moves the ball along and will ultimately have a result in some shape or form. However, now I am armed with a second tool, the tool of introspection, and in the end, that’s all that really matters. For all those going through similar feelings or who have ever gone through similar situations at some point in time, you are the only one that matters. You deserve to be selfish, don’t focus on that other person, because ultimately you are only in control of one person, yourself.
If she happens to be reading this, and you know who you are, I am here, and I am ready to talk. But if you’re not ready to talk, that’s OK too. I just want you to know that I am finally OK. I may not fully be at peace, but I am more or less much better than where I was.
