Being Gay in a Straight Workplace
I was a young, confused, naive 19 year old when I started Royal Mail as a Postman in 2004 (Mail Man to my American friends). I remember my dad dropping me off at my first day and saying to me ‘Kev, you’ve got to keep your head up, you keep looking down at the ground’. My brother, Mark also worked at the post office so I already had an in and this allowed me to make friends easily. My colleagues at Royal Mail are really welcoming with any new starter and I settled in very easily.
“At the office you would hear gay sexual references used for humour, with this and my concerns about people’s reaction I kept my sexuality quiet…”
Between 2004 and 2008 I was still trying to come to terms with my sexuality. Working at a place where everyone is straight didn’t help. I had no exposure to anything “gay” growing up and any reference that I did have was camp and flamboyant and that wasn’t me. Some of my colleagues were young and ‘on the pull’ for girls and I was pretending to them and myself that it was what I wanted as well.
I came out to my friends and family in 2008 but I was still worried about my colleagues reaction. At the office you would hear gay sexual references used for humour, with this and my concerns about people’s reaction I kept my sexuality quiet, my brother was the only colleague who knew.
I left Royal Mail at the beginning of 2009 to go travelling with my then boyfriend, now husband. Even though I was leaving I still felt the need to tell my colleagues that I was travelling with a ‘friend’. My brother came out for me at work whilst I was away on my travels and he informed me they were shocked but ultimately no one actually cared. I returned to Royal Mail just over a year after I left, however I was returning as an openly gay man. I wasn’t nervous though, I trusted my brothers assessment of their reaction to my sexuality. It helped that one of my friends who I have known for a long time also worked there and I knew he would have my back so I already had two allies if I needed them.
“The phobia part of homophobia gives the notion that a part homophobia is a fear and some fear stems from the unknown, so my colleagues trying to find out and trying to understand my sexuality as far as I was concerned was great.”
I didn’t need them, what I needed instead was answers to a lot of questions! Not questions about why I never told them before about my sexuality but instead I was being asked about being gay. The questions included comparisons between straight and gay relationships, I was being asked how I knew I was gay, what my type was, do I fancy anyone in the office? (I would never answer this question and still won’t). I absolutely loved being asked these questions, it meant people were trying to understand my sexuality, trying to understand me and my relationship. The phobia part of homophobia gives the notion that a part homophobia is a fear and some fear stems from the unknown, so my colleagues trying to find out and trying to understand my sexuality as far as I was concerned was great.
I am so lucky to work with the people I do, I am not known as ‘the gay one’ I am just simply ‘Kevin’, or ‘Kev’, or ‘Mini Kev’ (I’m short), or ‘Mini Kiev’, or ‘Kevlar’ and my favourite name ‘the littlest homo’ (I should be offended by that last one but I love it). My relationship is treated on a par with everyone else’s and some of my colleagues came to my wedding. Every now and again I hear the old gay sexual innuendo’s that I used to hear in an attempt at humour. I try not to let this bother me, it is never meant with any malice and I don’t want people to worry about what is being said when I’m around. My concern with this is that there maybe someone else who wants to come out but is intimidated by this kind of humour like I was before I came out.
“However, like me you could have a great bunch of colleagues who just see you for you and couldn’t actually give a damn about your sexuality.”
If I ever leave Royal Mail what I will find hardest is leaving the people behind. It’s like a family there, some of us have grown up together and others have seen the young ones grow up. I am no longer a young and naive 19 year old, I am 32 (almost 33) year old out and proud married gay man. I listened to my Dad’s advice and when I walk with my head down I try and pick it up again. When he died suddenly in 2010 my colleagues were there for me again and I know that if anything ever happens I will have their support. I am still slightly reserved like I was when I first started but that’s just me, gone are the days where I am reserved because I have a massive secret to hide.
My advice to anyone worried about coming out at work or in any walk of life is to try and tell one person who you trust first and then take it from there. I totally understand that it is different for everyone and unfortunately my experience will not be the same as others and there will be people out there who suffer homophobic abuse at work. However, like me you could have a great bunch of colleagues who just see you for you and couldn’t actually give a damn about your sexuality.
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