Does It Get Better?
A gay man’s reflections on what happens after coming out
I recently had a night out on the town. I was feeling rather confident while getting ready: I felt positive about my body and was able to smile at myself in the mirror while spraying a whiff of cologne and singing my favorite gay anthems. The night started off at a straight bar and then progressed to a gay club. I ended up drinking copious amounts and dancing for much of the night. I shared loads of laughter with good friends. All in all, a great evening out.
“I am what I am. I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity.
I bang my own drum. Some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty.”
However, throughout the night there was a niggling sense of insecurity that clung to me. It crept up on me when ordering drinks at the bar, in-between hearing my favorite songs or during pauses in the conversation. I tried to shrug it off but it stayed with me. By the end of the night, I was engulfed by this overpowering feeling.
It was the feeling of simply not being good enough.
On my way home that night, I vowed to stop even trying to be good enough. I was tired of being gay and trying to find my place in the world.
“And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle?
Why not try to see things from a different angle?”
What had brought this about? How did I feel so chronically insecure after a good night out on the town?
I used to believe that many of my insecurities would simply disappear after coming out of the closet. I truly believed that accepting my sexuality, owning it and being open about it with those around me would be an antidote to unhappiness and never feeling good enough. I was wrong.
“Your life is a sham till you can shout out I am what I am.”
I came out at a young age and had a relatively painless experience. My friends and family easily adjusted to the news and were supportive and empathic. There were some challenging moments but I did not suffer ostracism or abandonment.
While accepting my sexuality has certainly been incredibly liberating, it has not been the solution to all my woes. For many LGBTQ individuals, coming to terms with our difference is the first step towards having healthy interactions with those around us. It may take a long time to simply be able to say it to ourselves and then an even longer time to say it to others. It is often one of the most challenging life experiences and there are those who never choose to divulge their difference to others. Hiding such a large part of who you are certainly has devastating psychological effects.
“I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses.”
Coming out has many incredible benefits: no longer needing to deceive those around you, feeling freer and more authentic and being able to bravely carve out a place in the world. There is a burden that is lifted when you are able to live life more honestly. However, we tend to focus so much on the act of coming out that we occasionally forget about what happens thereafter.
Research shows that LGBTQ individuals have higher rates of mental illness and substance abuse than their straight counterparts. Even for those who have accepted their sexuality or chosen gender and are able to take pride in who they truly are by living openly, there are challenges that persist beyond the coming out phase. This is not to imply that straight people do not encounter difficult times or emotional upheaval. However, living in a world where you are in the minority and where you are constantly othered certainly comes with a unique brand of emotional and psychological turmoil. Additionally, many LGBTQ individuals find that they are not even accepted within their own community and this leads to further distress.
“I deal my own deck
Sometimes the aces, sometimes the deuces.”
My night out illustrates this. At the straight bar, I knew that it was unlikely that any guys would pay attention to me. I am an obviously gay man who stands out in a crowd. This makes many straight men feel uncomfortable. I am used to being othered in these spaces and I know that if I choose to go to a space like this, I am putting myself forward for possible ostracism and certainly a lack of attention in the form of flirting or anything of the like. Thus, I chose not to pay too much attention to any feelings of not being good enough at the straight bar and simply focused on having a good time with my friends. This is the by-product of living in a straight world and learning to suppress audacious desire.
“It’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit.”
At the gay club, I was somewhat more hopeful. I certainly did not go out with any intentions of meeting someone but as with most single people, the thought was somewhere at the back of my mind. And if it was going to happen anywhere, the gay club would be the most likely place. Yet, I felt an even greater sense of isolation in this setting. This could possibly be because my expectations were somewhat higher. It could also be that one hopes to find some solace and acceptance in LGBTQ spaces. However, unrealistic gay beauty standards combined with a definite haughtiness exuded by gay men meant that I barely even made eye contact with any of the guys I saw around me.
I didn’t feel good enough in the straight world or in the gay one.
Of course, I could have exercised my agency and been more courageous at the gay club. I stuck to my group of friends and hardly dared any interactions with strangers. Maybe if I was braver, the night could have ended differently. But I’ve found that my courage has been whittled down by numerous rejections and ego blows. And yes, I know: being single is difficult regardless of whether you’re gay or straight. But when you feel you do not fit in anywhere and you realize that coming out was only the first step of what will continue to be an uphill struggle, it can be rather disheartening.
“One life so it’s time to open up your closet…”
Coming out is certainly the beginning of something new and exciting for most LGBTQ people: it is the start of discovering who you are, of declaring ‘I Am What I Am’ in the famous anthemic words of Gloria Gaynor. But it is also only the beginning. There will be numerous other challenges along the way. And while I do certainly believe that it does get better, there are going to be some depressing days, a few unfulfilling nights and many lonely moments.
That being said, I wouldn’t change a thing about my gayness because…
‘Life’s not worth a damn till you can shout out I am what I am.’
Lyrics from ‘I Am What I Am’ by Gloria Gaynor (written by Mark Owen) © BMG Rights Management
Krishen Samuel is a queer author with a master’s degree in Public Health and has previously written for the Huffington Post UK and the Gay and Lesbian Review Worldwide.
Like what you read? Give us a standing ovation, share our article or follow us on Instagram: @lgbtgaze.
“The Gaze”, is a publication from Breaking Rainbow production. This gives LGBTQ writers and artists a platform to tell stories, voice opinions and expose their artwork.
If you are interested in sharing your work on our publication,
Email us at: breakingrainbowproductions@gmail.com.
