Journey to Self: My Coming Out Story
Up until this point, my understanding of self was limited. I was raised and prematurely categorized as a Christian, well-behaved, heterosexual woman.
There wasn’t a category I knew of as a child that described my adoration of the prettiest girl in class every year. There wasn’t a label that allowed me to take my own spiritual and inquisitive journey outside of the church.
When I became an adult, I slowly broke out of limiting expectations. I explored my feelings for women in college. I hid my first relationship with a woman from my family for the entire 3-year duration.
This was where I was comfortable: Gliding under the family radar as an “average” woman trying to figure out life. Starting to establish my independence, yet depending on my silence for my parents’ comfort.
When I found the love of my life, hiding became tedious. As I spent each possible moment with the one person who accepted all of my layers, I was rocking the boat in the place I called home for 28 years. To others, I seemed misguided. To me, I felt more free and on track than I’ve ever been.
My eventual coming out to my parents stemmed from their coercion, but I decided to become free.
I claimed the label “queer” as the weight shifted from my shoulders to my heart as I came out in an environment that was hostile and unwelcoming from my father. My fears spilled out before my identity, and after I was stereotyped and generalized, I escaped to my old room where my mother and I had a long, calm discussion about everything while my dad went on a homophobic tirade downstairs.
A year later, I decided to share my story with an organization called VideoOut. Their goal is to create the largest digital archive of coming out stories.
I expressed the issues I had living with a parent who made me fear stepping out of line in any way and the silence that resulted from expressing my true identity. At that time, I was in the process of writing a letter to my father, who I had only spoken to since coming out on a surface level.
I told my story in a place that felt more accepting than home ever was to me. I also expressed my dreams, the influence of my husband (a trans man with his own influential story), and an unfinished project which is now the poetic chapbook, Where the Color Purple Grows: Collection I.
Coming out didn’t end at the action. It involved coming in to my true self. My confidence allowed my true light to shine in.
My journey has taught me that my evolution is more important than others’ opinions. All my life, I was constantly judged and criticized by an individual who only sees an ideal life painted in one way. I am in the process of forgoing all of that weight.
Being able to get a peek at the other side of this pain has been a humbling experience. I still have things to work out, but I am miles ahead from where I was.
I think the first lesson in my book sums it up best:
“Your truth is not a box.
Stay out of others’ construction of you.”
You can check out my book here: https://amzn.to/2ELWVkQ
You can check out my coming out video here: http://bit.ly/ShawnonVideoOut
