Me and my mental health
I wrote an article recently about a different take on a break up, what I wrote was true and that was how I felt. I said in the article that I would see where this journey since the break up would take me. Well here’s a little insight, what happened next is after living with my mum for 6 months I got myself a place to live, I was feeling good, things were looking up. What I wasn’t expecting was for things at that point to feel difficult.
After the break up I put my focus on running the London Marathon, then it was moving out of the house Stuie and I shared, then I was focused on finding a place to live, I found somewhere to live…and then what? I didn’t have anything to focus my attention on and I had a lot more time to think.
Suddenly the break up caught up on me but the way I was trying to deal with it wasn’t healthy, it was the same way I dealt with my sexuality and the death of my dad. This was to not deal with it, bury it and move on, pretend it isn’t happening, but this isn’t healthy. I was also finding that I had started to get anxiety about meeting new people or going out somewhere new, I got too comfortable in my own little bubble. This anxiety of meeting new people had never been a part of my life before.
I listen to a lot of podcasts, some of which talk about mental health, the message seemed to be from listening to them and from listening to people close to me, if you need help ask for it, get the help, don’t keep things bottled up. I am very lucky to work for a company who has a number to call if you need this kind of help and they put me in touch with a counsellor.
I was anxious about my first session with the counsellor but I had no reason to be, he was a really nice guy who put me at ease straight away. I told him everything that had happened to me and he said ‘you’ve been through a lot haven’t you’ I hadn’t thought about it like that before but maybe I have. Just in the first session he gave me a new way of thinking and driving away, I started to feel positive and I started to feel like me again and all he did was let me talk and he listened.
The second session I was getting more off my chest and again was receiving a different take on what had happened. The third session was one that I felt like I needed, I heard some unwanted news which played on my mind so the session came at the right time. Talking to my counsellor helped put my mind at ease about the news that I received and again changed the way I was thinking and feeling.
It’s amazing just how much the act of just talking to someone can help, I’m an introvert and opening up isn’t something I find easy. It’s only when I let my self imposed guard down that I could be honest about how I was feeling. At the end of each session I felt like I was heading in the right direction I was feeling better about myself.
Just before my last session I had a sensation that I hadn’t felt for a while, I realised I was happy, I felt like me again. Although it’s a new Kevin, not the closeted Kevin, not the one who had just got comfortable with his sexuality, not the one who was part of Kevin and Stuie, but a new one. A Kevin who was happy and comfortable with his sexuality, happy to be single and happy with his new life. The anxiety had also gone and I was meeting new people again. On the way home after my last session, I listened to Feeling Good by Muse, the words in the song said how I felt leaving that session.
I got some unexpected news on Christmas Eve regarding Stuie being with a new partner but my reaction surprised me and others around me. I told my brother what had happened and my reaction to it and he said ‘counselling has given you that reaction’. He right, I don’t know what my reaction would’ve been if I hadn’t had the counselling but it wouldn’t have been the same.
From this experience I have learnt that we need to talk more, men, women, straight, gay, we all go through difficult periods in our lives. I was so lucky that I had somewhere to go that offered me that support and I know not everyone can have this luxury. We need to listen and understand each other, just through talking and hearing a new perspective I felt like a completely different man. I know that at some point I may need help again and I hope that next time I don’t bottle it up and I deal with it.
