Personal
Single Life! Not sure I like it.
How my life is currently, and why I am not liking it as a single girl.
So it was the day before Valentine's that I became single, yes this last valentines 2023. I honestly can’t believe that I became single but here I am single again.
Why I am Single
So my partner of 2 years was a very sweet person when she wanted to be, but she was also very manipulative and demanding. She had many of her own problems, and I did everything I could to please her and make her happy, even at the cost of myself. She would say things like “Oh I love you so very much” Only to say a few hours later, “You don’t love me because you didn’t buy me this” Or about a hundred variations of that because of not kissing her right then, or giving her a hug, or buying her something, or doing something for her, or making her something. The list goes on but it was even worse than that, she would literally promise things, or say things and turn around and go against them completely minutes or even hours later. She had a continuous habit of lying to me and everyone around her and there was nothing I could do.
I deserved it
After coming out as a beautiful trans-woman, my first marriage completely shattered my mind for my own self-worth. A perfectly good 15-year marriage was destroyed because of my transition and even though I knew that it was right for me to change, I felt that I didn’t deserve any better. I allowed myself to go through the pain and the manipulation and being controlled basically because I felt that I couldn’t get anything better, that in some form or another, I deserved to be abused.
Why I don’t like it
The reason why I don’t like being single I believe has to do with the whole idea of always having someone next to me. In the last 18 years of my life, I have only been single for 6 months and now I am starting the next round of I don’t know how long. You get so used to having someone in your bed, someone to spend time with, hold your hand, kiss you even if it is in small amounts that alone seems empty, lost, and void of anything.
The empty nights, the large bed, and the absence of someone to hold seem like it is a killer when you are so used to that touch even if it was by a manipulative person. Especially when I am a very loving and sweet girl, and I just want to be spoiled and loved back.
Maybe, this time now that I believe I deserve better and think more of myself I would be able to break free and find someone better. My biggest fear is that will be extremely hard and I am scared to be alone.
