Attitude Is Optional, Gender Identity Is Not
Being transgender is not a choice.
Recently a well-loved family member expressed her concern for my transgender son’s future.
It’s too bad he can’t just go back to living as a girl. He has so many hard things to deal with being a boy now. And there are so many hateful people.
I love this person very much. And it’s because I love her so much, I understand her words were spoken out of ignorance and not malice. Out of a misunderstanding of love for me and my son. She wishes my son’s life would be easier and I love her for caring about my son’s future.
Failing as an ally.
I feel a little guilty though giving her a pass on ‘setting her straight.’ If this were a stranger or casual acquaintance I know I wouldn’t have kept my mouth shut. I wonder if this makes me a less-than-great ally or advocate for my son and all his transgender friends. I think all of them deserve an ally who will stick up for them in all respects, in all circumstances.
So why did I give this eighty-some-year-old lady the benefit of the doubt? Why didn’t I have the words to explain in a way she’d have understood?
I suppose some days I get tired of all the explaining, all the educating others. But then I think of how tiring it must be for any non-straight, non-cisgender individual to come out over and over again. It has to be exhausting at some point, right?
So I need to do better. Being tired of reiterating the same things over and over again should no longer be an excuse. I chose to be an ally and an advocate.
Improving as an ally.
I suppose I need to put this conversation behind me. And simply be ready for the next one. The next time I’ll hopefully be capable of getting through to her why her concerns need to be reworded. Why there’s a difference between, “too bad he can’t just go back to living as a girl,” and “I wish there were more accepting and supportive people in the world.”
Maybe I need to explain to her how what she said assumes my son has a choice in being transgender or not. Maybe she needs to know that gender identity is not something anyone chooses, but something we are all born with and inherently understand about ourselves.
The most important thing is for me to remember that my ability to be open to other people’s thoughts, ideas, perspectives, and opinions helps me become a better version of myself and this includes being a better ally and advocate.
Rather than condemn my family member for her ignorance, I need to embrace the opportunity our conversation has presented. She obviously doesn’t fully understand what being transgender means. And I know she is open to learning because I know her as a person. Rather than feeling frustrated at another person’s ignorance, I should have opened the door to a bigger conversation.
Choosing to be the best ally.
I feel fortunate knowing I’ll be able to revisit this conversation with this family member. If she were a stranger, I probably wouldn’t get a second chance on getting it right.
I suppose sticking up for my trans son and his community doesn’t always need to mean mama-bear-mode. You know what I mean — the tough mama-bear-with-sharp-claws-and-a-protective-spirit-ready-to-kick-someone’s-hate-filled-butt mode.
It’s easy to slip into this mode when you’re dealing with some asshat who’s bullying, or discriminating against your own kid. What I try to remind myself of, is that it’s okay to advocate with a more gentle approach and conversation.
In fact, in some instances, this approach works extremely well. Some folks who discriminate only do so because they don’t know any better. They’re honestly ignorant of the impact of their words. And dealing with an ignorance of this nature is a lot easier one-on-one than mass ignorance infused with hate and violence.
Void of an accusatory tone, a calm conversation with a single individual — especially someone you already know — can sometimes admonish any prejudice or ignorance that person may have had.
I chose to be an advocate and an ally. And with that choice comes a responsibility to do my best to educate others on transgender rights, issues, and equality. I’m looking forward to my next conversation with my close family member because it means I’ll have the opportunity to welcome aboard another ally for my son and his community.
Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.
Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.
