The Name You Give Your Child Is a Gift, Not a Lifetime Label
Which is why I paid for my son’s legal name change.
My husband and I thought hard on what we’d name our baby girl. He wanted a name that began with a ‘z’ along with a hippie-style middle name. After perusing a baby names book, we chose Zoey Rain to anoint our bundle of joy. Potential careers for her future flooded my mind with such a unique name — rockstar goddess, thriller author, award-winning actress. All sorts of creative careers came to my mind.
Our baby’s name was the first gift we would ever give her, and we thought it was perfect. But gifts are meant to be enjoyed, not kept when burdensome.
When our child was thirteen years old, they announced they no longer wanted to live as a girl. They identified as a boy. They wanted to be referred to as he/him and wanted to drop the name Zoey. Our child’s sexual orientation had already been a conversation because they chose to date both boys and girls, and we were completely accepting. But not having heard the term transgender before, confusion set in regarding this latest announcement.
Fortunately, with the help of many conversations with my child, their doctors, and therapists, our understanding as parents gave way to complete acceptance of who our child is. I loved the name Zoey Rain — still do — , but my son’s mental health and happiness are much more important than my ego.
The next year was filled with different names my son wanted to try out. I feel like this was important for his mental and emotional health. He was discovering who he was and how he fit into his own life.
When he heard how his dad had wanted a Z-name, he settled on ‘Z’ for a nickname during this interim. This actually made it simple for his family and friends to avoid using the wrong pronouns. ‘Z’ was easily substituted for any pronoun at all.
When my son turned sixteen, my husband and I agreed to pay for his legal name change. We presented him with the paperwork on his birthday. He stared down at those papers in silence for what felt like forever. When he finally looked up at us, his eyes were filled with tears. You could see the emotion pouring out of him. A broken ‘thank you’ slipped from his lips. And then the hug came. His body convulsed with his cries. He repeatedly thanked us for letting him be himself. By the time the moment passed, all three of us had tear-stained faces.
Still learning what it meant for my child to be transgender, the decision to pay for his legal name change was not a quick one for me. Like any other mom, I have my moments of doubt. I think listening to my kid, considering the advice of mental health professionals, and discussing ideas with my husband are the reasons I’m proud of the parent I’ve become.
According to a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health in 2018, “choosing one’s own name has positive effects on a trans person’s mental health.” The study showed that “having even one context in which a chosen name could be used was associated with a 29% decrease in suicidal thoughts.” — Centre for Suicide Prevention
By the time my son’s paperwork was filed with the county court and processed, he had been using his chosen name for almost a year already. The legal documentation was just a detail that needed checked-off for the entire world to recognize him as his family already did.
Paying for my son’s legal name change allowed me to give him the amazing gift of identity — again. He wears this identity with pride and confidence because it no longer has feminine connotations attached to it.
In my mind, he’s no longer bound by all the ideas and dreams I attached to his birth name. He has his own thoughts and dreams for his life, and they are rightly attached to the name he has chosen for himself.
My son’s new chosen name is as unique as he is. Ultimately he stuck with a Z-name and kept his hippie-style middle name. So as of January 2017, his legal name is now Zair Rain.
Being able to update his legal identification with the proper name has been empowering for him. I notice his genuine individuality showing more each day. And I know the small legality of a name change has helped give him the confidence needed to embrace his own authenticity.
The name I gave my child when they were born was a gift. They used it for fourteen years. When that gift was no longer suitable, they chose another more appropriate. And because I helped them file some paperwork, my son knows I love him, I accept him for who he is, and will forever support him.
Zada Kent is co-founder of LGBTQueer-ies where the focus is on education to foster understanding, acceptance, and equality of all human beings, and proud parent to her young adult transgender son. For all parents of transgender kids here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.
