Forgiveness Came Easy After I’d Forgotten It All
He cheated on me, but I don’t remember it.
In all fairness, we were both much too young to marry and move across the country to set-up house together. Neither of us knew how to be adults yet. We were both hoping that the other would fix our perceived problems with the world. Of course, we convinced ourselves our motives were purely based on true love.
Fast forward three years later…we’re separated waiting on our divorce papers. Oh, young love.
Soon after our divorce, I suffered a skull fracture from a car accident. After reconstructive surgery and time to heal, I realized that I couldn’t remember several things from my past. This included most of the time I had been married.
Memories are funny things. A vivid memory utilizes our visual system, auditory system, and sometimes our sense of smell. Then we attach emotions to all of that. That’s why before my accident I not only remembered my husband cheating on me but how I felt when I discovered his indiscretions pulverized my insides. Every little detail of these betrayals would churn up anger threatening to explode or make me vomit.
Months after my head injury someone mentioned my ex-husband in conversation. I surprised myself with how indifferent I felt about him. While knowing why I should feel furious with him I struggled to recall any specific memory to fuel my anger. And without the fuel, I just felt ambivalent.
Growing up in a family of active church members, I was taught repeatedly about the importance of forgiveness. If someone hurt your feelings, you were obligated to forgive them. If someone bullied you, you were obligated to forgive them. If someone lied to you, you were obligated to forgive them.
Forgiveness was taught as if it was accomplished by a one-off decision. No need to dwell upon the decision. Just decide, and ta-da! Forgiveness achieved!
For me, forgiveness has never worked this way. I realize that holding onto a grudge or poor feelings toward someone who I believe has slighted me in some way only hurts my own mental health. I have to live with that nasty feeling, not my supposed offender.
Because of my memory loss, I’ve learned that distance and time need to follow that moment of decision. Forgetting those feelings of betrayal and hurt was my way of letting go of it all. And once you let go of the resentment, it’s easy to forgive the maltreatment done to you.
I see my ex several times each year due to mutual friends. I’m happy to say we get along like old friends. My head injury may have expedited the forgiveness process, but my willingness to wipe the slate clean and start anew with this person who had hurt me so much released me from the weight of bitterness.
I think forgiveness is an ongoing process for some people, myself included. Especially when it involves some emotionally heavy garbage. The trick is to keep working at letting it go; allow yourself to sever the self-imagined tie you’ve created between you and the guilty party.
